Words and Thoughts — February 15, 2024
Hello again, alleged readers. I want to start this week off with a reminder that it’s important to keep your head up; unless you are in a situation where it’s not a good idea to keep your head up. For example, if you’re ever in the jungle, or anywhere really, and there’s a dinosaur chasing you that can only see things five feet or more above the ground. In that situation you should do the opposite of keeping your head up. You should duck down, for sure, in that scenario. Although, I suppose at the same time it’s a good idea to keep a lookout for the dinosaur from time to time so you’ll need to pop your head up fairly regularly. Alternatively, you could find the neighbor-kid, Billy, and have a frank conversation with him about risk-aversion and sacrifice for the greater good, then put him up on your shoulders as a lookout. Obviously, there’s a couple different dinosaur-that-can-only-see-things-five-feet-or-more-off-the-ground evasion strategies that each come with their own pros and cons, benefits and costs, and so on (and there are a few that will allow you to avoid having to start the Billy Memorial Scholarship Fund). However, I’m not here to lecture you on dinosaur avoidance. You’ll know what to do when the time comes.
Sometimes though it’s just normal dinosaurs, without visual restriction, like the ones that ate Newman from Seinfeld. If it’s those sorts of dinosaurs, then you’re on your own.
In the absence of any dinosaurs (good lookin’ out, Billy!), I think it’s safe to continue with the reminder to keep your respective, and alleged, heads up. This week I received another rejection letter from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. But I keep trying! This time around I think it had to do with my ID for the background check. Everyone knows I don’t have any form of government ID. Usually, I just show whoever is asking all of my Wynn-Dixie cards, one by one, until they are apparently satisfied that I am who I say I am. That obviously won’t work on a paper application though. On the latest rejection from the Mounties, they stated, “a drawing of a beaver holding a Canadian flag is not appropriate”. First of all, it was a self-portrait in lieu of ID; and while there are similarities, I am clearly not a beaver. Also, I was holding a pinwheel in the drawing. We must not be deterred though! A new batch of positions has opened, and I will apply to ALL of them. I’m also baking Nanaimo bars to send with the applications to help move things in the right direction. Mounties love Nanaimo bars.
For whatever challenges you might be facing, remember: Keep your head up. Also, bribery. Make sure you’re doing those two things, and everything will work out. While not a Mountie, Billy also loves Nanaimo bars. So, you can bribe Billy with those. Then bribe the dinosaur, if it comes to that, with Billy; who, if he properly rationed his Nanaimo bars, could bribe the dinosaur with said Nanaimo bars, and then everyone wins.
In conclusion, those three things are probably the key to success in life: Keeping your head up, bribery, and Nanaimo bars.