Words and Thoughts — October 19, 2023

To whom it may concern at National Public Radio: 

It is a continuing shame that your reputable media outlet continues to deliberately ignore the sport of jai alai. There is not a doubt in my mind that if you replaced All Things Considered with a radio broadcast of live jai alai coverage from Miami, more people would say, “I really enjoy NPR,” as opposed to what most people usually say: “I don’t really enjoy NPR”. Granted, the ’88-’91 jai alai players strike didn’t do much to endear the sport to the average American sports enthusiast, but those days are long gone… and it’s jai-time for the alaive and well sport of jai alai to receive the air-time it deserves!

Hello again, alleged readers! Please forgive my commandeering of the introduction of this weekly feature to get a message out to the fine folks over at NPR. Having no email address, and swearing off the US Postal Service after a misunderstanding regarding Columbia House CDs (during said misunderstanding, I would like to make clear, I did NOT attempt to bite anyone from the USPS or Columbia House), this is really the best way for me to get in touch with NPR.

Big news this week for all of you! I recently became a bona fide Elevator Officer. I certainly do not take my newfound certification lightly; I tell you what! Heretofore, like most, I have NOT been an elevator officer. Every time I needed to utilize the services of an elevator, I would shout at the buttons, like we all do. “ELEVATOR! I NEED TO GO UP, PLEASE!” And, as elevators are wont to do, sometimes they would heed my request, but most often these fickle machines chose to disregard me. As such my mornings at the office almost always began with repeated bouts of shrieking at the elevator. Eventually, an Elevator Officer, often a plainclothes individual, would come over and ask something to the effect of, “Stav, c’mon man, what the hell, do you need to go up?”, and they would then select the necessary combination of options to send me, and the elevator, from Floor 1 to Floor 2.

However, earlier this very week, a co-worker of mine, who I did not even realize was an Elevator Officer (and shall remain nameless so as to not blow their cover), saw befit to bestow upon me, the certified rank of Elevator Officer! During one particularly frustrating session of yelling at the elevator, they walked over and stated, rather officially, “Stav, you can just do this yourself”. Being caught off guard, and with no speech prepared for my acceptance into the ranks of the Elevator Officers, I fell back on one of my pre-prepared speeches for big occasions such as this: Nixon’s “Checkers” Speech. However, before I could even get to the part about Pat Nixon’s stenography career, my co-worker, and now fellow Officer, all but pushed me into the elevator, and on my way.

It was as if, falling through the closing doors of the elevator, a world of doors was just beginning to open to me as I stared at the panel of buttons. This elevator car, soon to be travelling up this elevator shaft, was a rocket, travelling through the birth canal of my newfound station in life: Stav Knudsenen — Certified Elevator Officer. Naturally, I pushed all three buttons right away. I didn’t need to go to the third floor of course, but now I could! Even as I write this, several days later, I find myself unable to leave the elevator, operating it for other, non-Elevator Officers, and even a few more senior Elevator Officers.

Should anyone at NPR need contact information in order to send me royalties from the rating increases following the addition of jai-alai coverage, please just let me know!

Respectfully,

Stav Knudsenen — CEO