Words and Thoughts — September 21, 2023

Hello again, alleged readers! I’m composing this letter as I sit outside of Human Resources at my place of employment like some petulant child summoned to the Principal’s Office. Apparently, walking over to my co-worker’s cube and firmly, but respectfully, asking that they, “try not being such a total narc all the darn-ass time,” is, “grounds for redress.”

Thanks, Rhonda, for telling everyone who has been distributing licorice allsorts overnight at everyone’s desk. “Oh, it attracts possums, Stav, you really shouldn’t leave open candy loose on people’s desks…” Thanks Rhonda, if I was looking for information on possums, I sure as hell wouldn’t get it from you. I happen to personally know several possums, thank you very much. They live in the crawlspace under the storage closet, and really enjoy licorice allsorts.

Now,everyone knows that I’m the “licorice allsorts fairy,” thanks to Rhonda. How Rhonda came to know it was me though, remains a yet unsolved mystery.

Speaking of unsolved mysteries. For a while now, I’ve been under the impression that musical recording artist El Chombo’s, 2005 hit song “Chacarron” has been the Belgian national anthem since 1954. However, I’ve been suspecting for less of while than the first while that I mentioned, but still a while, that this may not be the case. I’ve not yet concluded my research on this matter, however if any of you have any leads that might bring my tireless, and highly academic search to an accurate conclusion, I’d sure be grateful if you shared them with me.

Speaking of Unsolved Mysteries, Robert Stack voiced the narrator in an episode of “The Angry Beavers”, alongside starring voice actor Nick Bakay, who narrated the 1998 NBC Special Exposed! Pro Wresting’s Greatest Secrets, which failed to solve perhaps the greatest mystery I know of in pro wrestling: What is the real name of the wrestler who goes by “Dwayne Johnson”?

What a truly strange and mystifying world we live in.

Anyway. I should probably get to the point here before I get called in by HR. (I plan to bribe them with a few handfuls of licorice allsorts to go easy on me.) Do you think fish ever get curious and use the periscopes on submarines to check out what’s going on inside the sub? I think they do. “But Stav, the visual distortion and refraction would result in severely degraded optics by way of a reverse-image, fish-eye lens, effect,” a coworker, who we’ll call Rhonda, because it was Rhonda, once said when I asked her this. GOOD THING IT’S A FISH, WITH FISH EYES, USING THE PERISCOPE IN REVERSE, RHONDA! You can’t tell me, alleged reader, that in a scenario in which you were a fish, you would not be at least slightly curious in the event of a scenario in which you encountered a submarine. Furthermore, I would posit, with the utmost vigor, that your survival instincts would be so overwhelmed by your curiosity, that you would, at least for a moment, disregard said instincts to voyeuristically satisfy said curiosity via the aforementioned periscope.

I would provide you with my hand-drawn diagram to better illustrate the plausibility of the fish using the periscope, however the only copy I have is being inter-officed to Rhonda at the moment. There are no licorice allsorts in the inter-office envelope this time.