Words and Thoughts – July 11, 2024
Hello again, alleged readers! For those of you who have had the time to review last week’s correspondence, I have some additional context to share. For those of you who have not had the time to review last week’s correspondence, may shame and ostracism rain upon you for the next few seconds while you think about what you did, or rather, didn’t do. That is, you didn’t read my last correspondence. I encourage you to do so now, by asking a grownup to type the following into Netscape Navigator on the nearest internet-connected personal computer: https://subjectmedia.org/2024/07/04/words-and-thoughts-is-taking-the-week-off/
Great, now that everyone is up to speed, you are aware that last week I accidentally put hair conditioner on my toothbrush, instead of toothpaste. That obviously caused me a number of problems, and I needed to take the week off to straighten that whole situation out.
As such, many of you reached out referencing an alleged bad joke about “hair conditioner” and “straightening,” or assuming that I was doing a bit about straightening my teeth with straightening hair conditioner, etc.
Y’all, there was no bit. Quite simply, I just about ruined an entire week by putting Garnier all over my toothbrush, and then putting the toothbrush all over my teeth. Y’all presumably know how hard it is to fully get conditioner out of hair. I promise y’all, it’s harder to get it out of a mouth, and even harder to get it out of a toothbrush. After six great years with my current toothbrush, I thought I was going to finally have to get a new one. However, I think my toothbrush has finally stopped tasting like whatever fruit looking thing is on the side of the conditioner bottle.
Anyway, speaking of teeth, do you think seven is an above, or below, average number of times to bite the dentist during a routine teeth cleaning? Also, what is floss? I didn’t go to dental school, and therefore should not be expected to be able to answer such complex medical questions. I don’t ask the dentist about whatever my job allegedly is, so why should I have to answer questions he should already know the answer to? If he’s such a “doctor”, he shouldn’t be asking me how many times I’ve brushed my teeth since I last saw him a couple years ago; he should be able to guess it… like the guy guessing weights at the county fair. Alas, the American medical-academic complex continues to fail students, and detriment society, in far-reaching and long-lasting ways. Case in point, my dentist couldn’t guess my weight either. That’s when the biting really started.
Anyway, in no way related to teeth, I recently went into a grocery store deli, and asked them if I could purchase one of the containers that the potato salads come in. I had made potato salad at home, but wanted the store-bought experience of being able to serve it out of the little round container. The deli worker said she couldn’t sell me a container. But I would get a free container with whatever cold salad I did purchase. So, I would receive the container with a transaction, but could not transact against the container itself. The container is allegedly valueless, yet without the container, the contents, while possessing value, are of no real value without the valueless container. And that was the second time that I had a full-on existential crisis inside a grocery store deli. The first time was when my uncle tried to help me cheat at a “guess how many Pogs are in this jar” contest at a different grocery store deli, and we got caught, and the deli worker yelled at us.
What a beautiful and terrifying ride life is.