Words and Thoughts — May 30, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! As a rule, I try to limit my time staring at the sun, for personal reasons, but I can tell you this: The sun is once again appearing directly behind, and halfway up, the old AT&T microwave tower when Rick Tomaska signs off from his usual overnight broadcasts. The last time the sun was behind, and halfway up, was right around when whoever is spinning the disks over at Subject started photocopying the printed PowerPoints I’d been duct taping above the second urinal by the Labatt Bar at the KeyBank Center, and putting them on the World Wide Web for you all here, allegedly.

As you know, I don’t have the greatest concept of time, but if I had to guess the time between then and now, I’d reckon it’s been about 141,510 “How Bizarres” by OMC.  Once you cross that 141,510 mark, it really puts things into perspective, and forces some retrospections upon oneself, and now by extension, all of you!

Here are some updates and commentary regarding prior correspondences from the past period of time equivalent to 141,510 How Bizarres:

• Really still can’t automate a bowling alley. It’s just not possible, and probably won’t ever be. We’ll have a colony on Mars soon enough, but at that time there’ll still be a gaggle of Newsie-type youths gainfully employed at every bowling alley in Amerca resetting pins, running balls up the lanes, and making mediocre white Russians.
• At this time, the Serbian authorities are claiming that my most prized possession, Yugoslavian Whac-A-Mole, is in fact stolen property and are less than nicely asking for it back. This is an accusation that I unequivocally deny. However, I’ve been spending my Tuesdays researching Serbian extradition laws, just in case.
• Can’t not mention here that the GoFundMe account to help me bribe those judges out in Utah is still open (hint hint).
• Clandestinely, I’ve started going into the office at night and removing all lighting that isn’t 2,700 K. Not just the bulbs, but the fixtures too. I always say, “If the solution is too easy, no one will learn anything.”
• One of my biggest complaints in life is that I still can’t find rocky road ice cream anywhere. While good in a pinch, I just don’t think Miracle Whip with M&Ms in it is going to pan out as a long-term replacement.
• Obviously, Jay Jay the Jet Plane is, in fact, Satan.  I’ve seen enough science on YouTube.com to confirm this theory as fact.
• No funding remains for the Mongolian Shakira Album.  Ran out of money about halfway through.  Almost certainly has nothing to do with rerouting the funds to a man I met in the park that said he could “bring back Oldsmobile” if I gave him $50.
• Matt bought a house. The HOA is decidedly anti-raccoon; no discernable stance on crab Rangoon. I’m anti-HOA, AND crab Rangoon for the record.
• Word to the wise: Huntly, Montana must not get an Arby’s. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
• I don’t think my workplace is doing Free Oatmeal Week in the cafeteria this year. Listen, I’ll defend this stance forever: You cannot set limits on free oatmeal. Liberty or death type thing.
• I still don’t know what paperclips taste like. But we all do know what confetti tastes like. Say it with me, “voting stickers”. That’s correct! Great job, alleged readers!
• I’m still working on finishing up reading Bear by Marian Engels. I’ve gotta say, it’s going in a slightly different direction than the Little Bear by Maurice Sendak route that I was expecting. 
• I’ve been working on my gallon-tub-of-pudding lobbing! Hoping to at least place in the pudding toss at the next Lemon Festival.
• What’s more Belgian than El Chombo’s 2005 hit song, “Chacarron”? Nothing. I’ve had two alleged Belgians consistently try to convince me otherwise. I’m not having it. The arguments I keep having with these two Belgians have been mentally taxing, and at one point I ended up taking three to five weeks off work to recover.
• Life hack: Riding the back of a garbage truck is cheaper than a bus pass.
• Still haven’t been to Ohio. Would you believe that I ended up in Iceland three more times trying to get to Ohio though?? I swear, I’m starting to question whether or not Ohio is a real place at this point.
• NPR still isn’t covering jai alai. This is why Subject is better than NPR.
• We’ve got one more notch in the Magna Doodle! Name change to Stav VIII is almost complete!
• PSA: Don’t forget to wash your cotton candy prior to eating.
• PSA: Raw coffee and black beans are not suitable treats to give to a toddler for doing a trick.
• The Dutch word for Peanut Butter, “pindakaas”, literally translates to “peanut cheese”. C’mon!
• Winn-Dixie has stopped issuing me new rewards cards. Harris Teeter’s ’bout to get themselves a new customer!
• The Sorbonne won’t publish my “Jake from State Farm, Progressive Flo, and Geico Gecko” fanfiction. If you know anyone interested in publishing this, please have them call me. I’d describe the genre as “romantic technical manual”.
• That tee-ball team I bought down in Tulsa missed the playoffs. Might take Coach Rathindra a couple years to turn this team around.
• Whoa! Sorry, startled myself. Thought of the alien from Signs again. No thank you.
• Do y’all know what a salad is?
• That whole “Calgary Olympics didn’t actually happen” conspiracy theory really took off, didn’t it?? No one even remembers Iran-Contra now. What a thing!
• I’ve written a new verse to “The Blimps of Cypress”. Here it is:  The Cypriots diverted their blimp to Ankara Airport.  /  The air traffic controllers at Istanbul cautioned that the runways might be too short.  //  The Cypriot Blimp Pilots reminded the Turks that they were flying a blimp, not a plane.  /  The Turks said, “Oh, OK, yeah that’s right, then turn heading 220 and maintain”.
• You can keep boycotting France, if you want.
• Did you know that Taylor Swift is famous for other stuff, not just the movie Cats?
• Microsoft refuses to add my letter, “Formpt”, to any of their Office programs, not even Publisher! That company is going the way of Kodak if you ask me.
• Remember, the key to success in life: Keeping your head up, bribery, and Nanaimo bars. Honestly, as I type this, I’m having an epiphany: I have not once, in all of my bribery attempts, offered those judges in Utah a single Nanaimo bar. What a complete fool I’ve been this whole time.
• Gotta get this off my chest: I framed that 7th grader. He didn’t eat all the Fruit Roll-Ups… I did.
• I have gotten super good at eating shawarma with a motorcycle helmet on! I don’t even have to lift the visor at this point!
• The Oldsmobile guy from the park is also a lawyer apparently, per him, “It’s unconstitutional to limit how much chocolate one can consume.” We’re trying to get on “The View” to spread awareness and ensure that no one has their constitutional right to chocolate infringed upon.
• All of this is sponsored by Kmart, and maybe the estate of Dale Earnhardt.
• Oh, also, regarding chocolate, there is also probably not a limit, constitutionally speaking, on how much chocolate you can try to fax someone in a given day.
• We had a power outage a few months ago, so the microwave clock is back to flashing “12:00”. So that’s good!
• I dug a small hole in my front yard, so now it’s a putt-putt. I spraypainted “PUTT PUTT” with an arrow on my neighbor’s garage door so everyone knows. He was upset; likely concerned about the putt-putt attracting dinosaurs. Well, that’s what we pay Terminix for.
• Putt-putt-sign-neighbor is actually the same neighbor who has the boat, with the tarp cover. I haven’t taken the tarp for slip ‘n’ sliding since I installed the putt-putt. Maybe he misses the slip ‘n’ slide.
• My social media post about the coyote is up to 153 comments, most of the recent comments are now focusing on whether or not the earth is flat.
• My neighbor Steve is heading out of town again next month. Perhaps I’ll get to pet-sit Mr. Vilanch again. Only time will tell.
• Former Canadian Finance Minister Bill Morneau, give us back the penny!
• I hope you all got your Christmas STDs!
• Someone keeps stealing Carleen’s lunch. Please don’t steal Carleen’s lunch.
• I suggested that Carleen put some Clifford The Big Red Dog stickers on her lunch so that people might think that Clifford was her dog, and understand it as a threat, and therefore not steal her lunch, lest Carleen sic Clifford on the thieves. Unrelated, but super ironic, that same week, my favorite brand of sandwich started putting Clifford on their packaging as some sort of marketing campaign! Total Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon going on.

That’s about all the retrospection I’ve got for now.

These retrospections are making me thirsty!