Words and Thoughts — May 9, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! The mail came today! Rather, I went and got the mail. As you probably know, I haven’t had a mailbox in a while. For those of you who don’t know, I removed my mailbox a few months ago. And by removed, I mean last Christmas, I invited my neighbors to a Christmas party where I had them gather in my front yard and watch me, dressed like La Befana, put four M80s (leftover from the bologna tub) into my mailbox, and then light those M80s, while I blared “Silver Bells” from my car with the windows rolled down (for ambiance). Then I asked them to go home, and to please get off my lawn.

Repeated attempts to unsubscribe from the mailing list of some pyramid scheme called “The Irs” had been unsuccessful. Can’t send me any more junk mail if my mailbox exploded. Problem solved.

Now, when I need mail, I just run out in front of Gary the mailman’s truck and yell, “Gary! Mail!” Pro tip: A similar approach works for most ice cream trucks, except the Brinks ones. The Brinks ice cream truck drivers appear to have no interest in selling me ice cream. On top of that, I can never find Brinks ice cream in stores. Who the hell are they selling their ice cream to then?

After Gary got through laying on his horn, (Ol’ Gar loves that horn), he threw the mail at me, drove off the median, and carried on his way. Gary’s a good guy. Until next time, Gary!

Anyway, my save-the-dates have arrived! Up until a little while ago, I had never heard of a save-the-date card (I’ll abbreviate save-the-date as “STD” from here on out to save everyone time). However, a couple of weeks ago, as I was going through my neighbor Keith’s mail, I saw an STD! After a spirited discussion with Keith about privacy, boundaries, and federal law, I was able to glean the following that I will share with you all here: Apparently, an STD is a thing that is mailed when someone is invited to something, like a wedding, but they are not yet officially invited for some reason, however will be officially invited at some point between now, and when the event is. An STD is a card, warning that you’re going to get a card. I had no idea this was a thing! But now that I know about STDs, I’ve been starting to give all of my friends and coworkers STDs. If I plan on scheduling a meeting next week for example, I make sure to send them an STD in the mail before I send them the actual email calendar invite. I can’t believe I had been so uncouth prior to learning about STDs. This had to be the reason for low attendance at most of my meetings.

Also, please consider this an STD for my Christmas party this year. It will be in Keith’s yard. By his mailbox. Invitation to follow.