Words and Thoughts — May 2, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers. I feel compelled to begin this week’s correspondence with a haiku:

Consistency, fleeting

Illusion of permanence

Entropy is law

Apparently, back in 2012, and following exactly zero consultation with me, Canada stopped making pennies. As you all know, I’m not a fan of change. Rather, I love change, such as pennies, but I do not like change to pennies. You all know I’ve always said I do not like these four things: brush burns, brush fires, the unnecessary and redundant second exit off the I-76 in Brush, Colorado, and change. I always say this.

So, the Canadians just up and stopped making pennies, almost exactly 14 years ago. I’ve been unaware because I’ve been working off a massive surplus of Canadian pennies from my penny bin. But just this last week, I thought, “If I don’t stop putting these pennies down the sink-drain in the office kitchen to appease the pipe goblins, or get more pennies, I’m going to run out of pennies.” Obviously, I’m not going to stop putting the pennies in the sink. Remember the last time the pipe goblins got upset? “Exploding Whale Memorial Park” beach in Florence, Oregon would probably have a different name right now if we didn’t piss the goblins off so much in the ’60s, I’ll tell you that much.

This time around, I just figured I’d get more pennies, like usual. Alas, I’m sure you can imagine my abject horror when I discovered that Canada is out of the penny game.

I’ve tried just about everything to find more Canadian pennies. My usual plug, the bank, tried to sell me nickels, but jacked the price up like five times what I was getting the pennies for. I’ve written a sternly worded postcard to Former Canadian Finance Minister Bill Morneau regarding the matter. I said, “Listen here, Billiam, I can’t keep the pipe goblins at bay what with you goin’ and deciding Canada ain’t need pennies! Wish you were here, Stav”.

We’ll see what ol’ Finance Minister Bill Morneau has to say about that! It’d be a real shame if Toronto had to rename Sugar Beach.

Hey, that haiku at the start there was pretty fun. Let’s do another, but not right now. I’ll make a note for myself.

Stav to write haiku. At later date, TBD. Going to be good.

When I decide to write said haiku, I will certainly let all of you know.

Anyway, those pennies… this goes beyond the pipe goblins and their shenanigans. For years, Canada had leaves on the penny that looked similar to maple leaves, but were in fact some kind of sycamore. And this would help the everyday Canadian to identify maple leaves (which I understand is usually a three or four time a day activity). It used to be as simple as pulling a penny out of your pocket, nodding at the queen (as is tradition), flipping the coin over, and then confidently confirming whether or not a leaf was in fact a maple, or instead, one of those sycamore things. And if you have any doubts about the veracity of the benefit of the Canadian penny in this way, I’ll leave you with this: The same year Canada stopped making the penny, they rolled out a new $20 bill with the wrong leaf on it! It’s some kinda Norwegian maple leaf! Norway is usually not considered Canada. If only the boys down at the mint would’ve had a penny to reference.

Canada needs the penny. Canadians need the penny. Pipe goblins need the penny. We need the penny. Former Canadian Finance Minister Bill Morneau, bring back the penny!