Words and Thoughts — March 14, 2024
Hello again, alleged readers, sponsored by Kmart. Rather, you’re not sponsored by Kmart. I’m sponsored by Kmart. And I think I’m contractually obligated to mention Kmart frequently as a result. I bet you are allegedly wondering, “But why, Stav (sponsored by Kmart), are you sponsored by Kmart?” Allegedly wonder no more, because I have your answer, brought to you by Kmart: Several years ago, I found myself on quite the Hungry Hungry Hippos losing streak. No matter how hard I pleaded with my hippo, the animal refused to eat. I’d cheer it on, I’d encourage it, but nothing worked. I even ate some of the hippo food myself to show the hippo how good it tasted. It did not taste good, but I’m not a hippo. I needed to figure out how to get out of my slump, and I figured the instructions might have some clues.
Alas, I had long ago gambled the instructions away on a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Based on my time watching people leave Kmart, I knew that somewhere within Kmart, was at least one new game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. And inside that game of Hungry Hungry Hippos would be at least one set of instructions. As hippo food is to hippos, in that it belongs inside them, so too are the instructions to a box of the game, in that the instructions should be inside the box. Upon viewing those instructions, then the knowledge of how to finally win would be inside me. Then I could use that knowledge to put the hippo food inside the hippos, and I could finally stick it to those smug children, who would soon find themselves on a long lasting Hungry Hungry Hippos losing streak of their own.
I made my way inside Kmart, and after a couple of hours, found what I was looking for. I carefully opened the game box and right on top was a neatly folded set of instructions. Before I could decipher the secrets held on that sacred page however, I was startled by the announcement regarding a blue light special on Dale Earnhardt hats. In my flustered state, I bolted out of the store, instructions still inadvertently in hand. I made it all the way out of the parking lot before I realized my grievous error. I couldn’t just walk back in. I’d have to explain to everyone that I wasn’t frightened specifically by Earnhardt, even though he was “The Intimidator”. Instead, it was the PA announcement itself, jarringly interrupting the usually dulcet tones of the Kmart elevatoresque music that would someday come to serve as the base sample of so many vaporwave songs. I just didn’t have that in me at the time, and frankly I don’t think I’d have it in me now.
There was no way I could return the instructions. And while I have zero issue stealing most things, I couldn’t come to terms with stealing those instructions. But right then and there, at the far end of that Kmart parking lot, I saw a vision of The Intimidator. Floating, translucent, above the Kmart, was Dale, in all his glory, right down to his GM Goodwrench hat. And at that moment, everything became clear: It’s not like Dale was buying all those good wrenches from GM. GM sponsored Dale by giving him the wrenches in return for driving his car in circles so fast! And in return, he wore a hat about it.
The next day, after I composed myself, I walked right back into that Kmart, sponsored myself the goodest wrench I could find and gave it to my hippo. That is how Hippo, I, and possibly the estate of Dale Earnhardt, all came to be sponsored by Kmart.