Words and Thoughts — January 11, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! As you know, I’ve always said that it is high time that we change our perspective on everything. For too long, we’ve existed coddled in the warm embrace of familiarity. We blindly accept too much as unquestionable fact! As such, here are some conspiracy theories I’d like to start this year:

• Coffee beans are illegal in Decatur, Georgia because the head of NASA once got one stuck in his ear while he was there.
• Because of whatever happened at Burning Man last year, The New World Order has lost interest in controlling the weather, and is now focused on fixing mascot races held during the intermissions of major sporting events.
• The Earth is actually a trapezoidal prism, and each side has a progressively more bizarre version of the same reality. Experts are now trying to figure out where our side of the trapezoid ranks on the bizarreness continuum.
• Congress wants to change our national anthem to “How Bizarre” by OMC, for obvious reasons (see the trapezoid).
• The word “butterknife” is now a slur, found offensive by anyone in the insurance industry.
• Rabies has been eradicated in raccoons, and petting and feeding raccoons is the only way to become vaccinated against rabies now.
• A functioning Etch-A-Sketch is now worth $400,000 because Tesla needs the little dials for the radios in the Cyber Truck.
• There is nothing unusual about the alignment of the three Arby’s “restaurants” in Billings, Montana.
• It’s impossible to brush burn your butt-cheek on the spinning brushes at the car wash. Don’t believe me? Try it! The human body is truly a miracle.
• There is a new-in-packaging Bop-It game buried under the parking lot of every Shoney’s to keep the Free Masons happy.
• The ’88 Winter Olympics in Calgary didn’t actually happen, and the movie Cool Runnings is a part of a long-running misinformation campaign to propagate the public’s belief that the Calgary Olympics WEREN’T faked. The motive here was to distract the public from Iran-Contra.
• Raffi was a satanist.
• Lucille Ball was a satanist.
• Big bird is Satan.
• Satan works at one of the Arby’s in Billings, Montana.
• Joe Flacco isn’t elite. Or is he?
• The letter “R” isn’t real, but it’s too late now.

That’s probably enough to get us started through Q1.

In other news, I’ve got a bone to pick with Big Oil. They’re out here putting Little Oil out of business, I think. Sometimes I’m cooking and only need like a teaspoon of olive oil or a half a cup of vegetable oil. But all the oil these days comes in containers that are usually several times more than either of those measurements. I need smaller containers of oil. I need oil to be sold in the quantity that a given recipe calls for. I, like all of you, can’t count the times in which I have inadvertently dumped a half gallon of oil or more into the frying pan while trying to pour out only a small amount, and then everything’s on fire. I’m like the woman in that one advertisement before she buys the cupboard organizer: in black and white, and at my wits end because there’s Tupperware launching out of the cabinet. Except the Tupperware is oil that is on fire in my case.

 Big Oil is such a butterknife, am I right, alleged readers who work in the insurance industry??