Words and Thoughts — August 10, 2023

Hello again, alleged readers. It seems we have an economic emergency on our hands, and I want to make sure that you fine folks are prepared to weather the impending fiscal doom! Consumer confidence in the dairy industry is at an all-time low. We all know that since FDR wrenched the US off the gold standard in 1933, the next-best commodity to pin our economic system on has been the ever-reliable bastion of stability: milk. And while we all know that, fewer know that FDR most likely succeeded in bringing us off the gold standard by virtue of besting William “Alfalfa Bill” Henry Davis Murray in a wrestling match. FDR did Alfalfa Bill in, of course, with his trademark “New Deal Suplex”.

Back to the economic crisis at hand. You can melt gold, but have you ever tried to melt milk? You can’t! It is for this reason that I keep jars of milk, rather than wads of cash, or gold bullion, in my mattress.

I can already hear the skeptics among you, “But Stav, how can you be so sure of everyone’s unsurety regarding the dairy industry, an industry second in importance only to the vending machine cabals?” Well, allow me to elaborate! Earlier this week, I was visiting my local hardware store to look at the shiny things. As I walked across the parking lot, I noted the man that lives in the apartments across the street, but seemingly spends most of his time in front of the hardware store. He was, as one would expect, in front of the hardware store on the day of my visit. Often, he showers passerbys with nuggets of wisdom and foresight. On this day, things would be no different. Once I hit the crosswalk, we locked eyes, and I was met with a question. “YOU TRYING TO BUY CHEESE IN THERE?” he barked. I thought I misheard him, so as I got closer I asked him to repeat. “HOW MUCH CHEESE YOU BUY IN THERE?” he clarified. I answered him immediately, so as not to upset the soothsayer wizard man; I stammered, “No cheese for me today.” To which he simply grunted, and found the next target of his wisdom.

As I made my way into the store and over to the trash cans, I was struck by an unbearable curiosity: How many people were “trying to buy cheese in [here]”? And how much cheese? I did an about-face, walked back out the front door, and right up to the man and asked him point blank, “How many people are buying cheese?”

He hesitated briefly, perhaps pondering whether or not to divulge his research for fear of inadvertently exposing the analytical formulae intrinsic to his insights, but then much to my relief he opened the gates to his knowingness. “No one buying cheese, man.” My blood ran cold. How could this be? How could NO ONE be buying cheese? Surely, he must’ve been mistaken. I needed to see for myself, I needed to hear for myself. With increasing alarm, I began a survey of my own back inside the store. I asked literally everyone I saw in there if they were buying cheese. I was horrified. Not one, single, soul, was buying cheese in there. “What about milk?” I pressed. Still nothing. No cheese, no milk, no butter, no dairy!

It finally sunk in as I was being escorted out of the store. I didn’t want it to be true, but it was, and is. The dairy industry is finished. People’s fleeting and fickle interests apparently lie elsewhere. No longer can we rely on the market permanency of fluid coaxed from the mammary glands of our bovine brethren. Perhaps just as a cup of warm milk is wont to do, we have been sedated into a sleepy blindness to the obvious truth that lies before us: Consumers just don’t value dairy like they did, and its days are numbered. I urge all of you to get off this sinking ship before it explodes!

Here are four things you can buy instead of dairy products:
1. Habanero peppers
2. Bic Atlantis ballpoint pens
3. The rights to the pause music for GoldenEye on N64
4. Rocky Road ice cream