Words and Thoughts – August 15, 2024
Hello again, alleged readers! I spent my morning loiterating by the sink in the breakroom kitchen. I know that “loiterating” is not word, but I kid you not, when I typed the “loi” in loitering, Microsoft Word auto-suggested “terating” to finish the word. Frankly I think “loiterating” is a superior word to loitering. Loiterating rhymes with powerful words like macerating, obliterating, and exploderating. Loitering on the other hand rhymes with basically one word: reconnoitering. Woof. Judge one by the company one keeps, am I right? Excuse me while I go try and get close to the cool words over at the loiterating lunch table! Loiterating: the act of turbo-loitering. Extreme loitering. Idling around with such an incredible lack of direction and purpose that it becomes impressive.
As I was saying, I was loiterating by the sink, trying to sell my coworkers paper towels for their wet hands. First thing this morning I poured water into all of the paper towel dispensers. So now, I was the only game in town. Sabotage? No, I don’t speak French. Embarking on questionable endeavors for profit? Perhaps. Loiterating? Definitely.
So, while I was loiterating, I noticed a spork in the sink. The presence of the spork itself was unremarkable. I put plenty of things in the sink: Pencil shavings, raccoon sheddings, glue that I don’t like anymore… suffice to say many things have been in this sink. However, this spork was almost all spoon, and so very little fork. The tines of the fork might as well just have been serrations, like on a kspife (silent “k”) that some people use to eat grapefruit when they get tired of tearing grapefruit apart with their hands. No, this was definitely a spork, but with JUST enough fork to qualify. This, however, got me thinking: Where does the “spoon” in spork end, and the “fork” begin? From whence does the “o” come? Do fork and spoon share it? Do they divide it down the middle? Does it change hands with the ebb and flow of the whims of fickle powers greater than ourselves?
On this particular spork, there was so much spoon, and so little fork, one might think that in this instance the “o” would come from spoon, so as to represent spoon to a greater extent. However, I think it’s the other way around. Spoon outnumbers fork, and won this battle of sorts against the fork, and therefore gets to keep its “o”. Fork must… fork over its “o”.
As I was pondering all of this, Brad from HR walked into the breakroom looking like he had one hell of a purpose. He did. Apparently, I’m not permitted to sell my co-workers paper towels. The closest thing Brad could cite in the employee handbook was a regulation against conducting outside business on premises. Well guess what, Brad… the breakroom is inside, so how can it be outside business??
While I was mounting my legal defense to Brad, he looked in the sink and said, “Oh, hey, my foon!”
Then I slid Brad’s utensil into the drain and turned the disposal on. Insinkerated®.