Words and Thoughts — February 1, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! Recently, I watched Cats. The 2019 movie, with Taylor Swift, not the 2004 one, with Halle Berry. Immediately following the viewing, I had four thoughts:

1. Wow, this has to be one of the top ten films of the second decade of the century.
2. This should be a play. (I then found it WAS a play!)
3. There should probably be the following sequels made:
   1. Dogs
   2. Horses
   3. Walruses (or Walri?)
   4. Raccoons (should probably make this one first)
4. I could probably write a play. Likely not as good as the film Cats, but maybe somewhere above Phantom of the Opera and just below Cats.

So, I wrote a play. See below, and feel free to perform it.

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Stav Knudsenen’s Play: A musical based on feelings the writer had after watching the film Fargo.

By Stav Knudsenen

ACT 1

String orchestra begins to play the SimCity 2000 Soundtrack until end of Act 3.

INT. CHURCH, PRESENT

700 Extras inside church light sparklers

Priest: Don’t light those in here.

Extra 274: Then why did God let us go out and buy these sparklers?

Priest: Because he wanted to see what you would do, and now he has. And now definitely I, and possibly God, would like it if you put out the sparklers.

All Extras: Perform “Song About Burning Fingers on Sparklers”. NOTE: orchestra continues with the SimCity 2000 Soundtrack.

ACT 2

EXT. ALPINE MEADOW NEAR SALZBURG, AUSTRIA, 1938

Julie: Performs “Song About Adjacent Mountains Being Sonically Active.” NOTE: orchestra continues with the SimCity 2000 Soundtrack.

ACT 3

INT. THEATER (the actual theater play is performed in), PRESENT

Child in Third Row: (to Mother, whispering, inaudible rest of audience) I would rather be at a hockey game.

Mother in Third Row: (Wordlessly places a Junior Mint on Child’s head)

INTERMISSION – Sponsored by Valvoline

ACT 4

INT. SPARKLER FACTORY, THREE MONTHS PRIOR.

Julie: How will we ever sell this surplus of sparklers? We’ve made too many sparklers.

Julie’s Secretary: I think I might know some people who would buy all of these sparklers [dramatic pause] for a discount off MSRP.

Julie: Performs “Song About My Secretary Possibly Being The Devil”

ACT 5

Extras hand out sparklers and matchbooks to all audience members. Ushers take note of who lights their sparklers.

END

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As I said, please feel free to perform that with you and your friends whenever you’d like. I encourage you to improvise on the song performances. Without you being here in person, I don’t know of any other way to describe or relay to you how the songs are supposed to sound.

In other news, last week I ate a gumball. Thought it was a grape. It wasn’t, but I was too proud to admit my error. So, there I sat, nervously looking around to see if anyone was noticing that the gumball that I thought was a grape, wasn’t. Oh, the thoughts they might think: “Look at that moron!” “You can totally tell he thought that was a grape!” “His name is Stav, but let’s call him Doofus instead!” I swallowed the gumball, but not my pride. I glanced around again. It appeared that no one noticed, however, to be sure, I stood up and announced, “I didn’t think it was a grape!”