Words and Thoughts: Let’s Pretend Things Aren’t Happening
Hello again, alleged readers. Recently I was on the internet, and was presented with an advertisement for a shirt, whose design had been stolen from another website, and almost certainly stolen from another website before that. The shirt read, “THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY HAPPENING, AND I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO STOP”. That’s a great shirt! If I had money, I would have bought that shirt from the website. If I had seen that shirt in a proper store, like Hot Topic, J. Crew, or one of them Barnes & Nobles I keep hearing about, I probably would have stolen it, on account of the not having the aforementioned money. Alas, I had not seen it one of those stores, or stores like them; and I have not yet mastered online credit card fraud. Until then, I can only wear one of the shirts I already own, and say to everyone that looks at me, “Hey, please pretend that this shirt my mom got be 15 years ago doesn’t say ‘Old Navy’, and instead please pretend, hey yes, talking to you… you looked at me and it’s important that you see me how I intend to be seen, yeah, yes, thank you, please pretend it says ‘THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY HAPPENING, AND I WANT’, no sorry, ‘AND I WOULD LIKE IT’, no crap, sorry, now I’m all flustered, hang on, ‘THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY HAPPENING, AND I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO STOP!’ Yeah, please pretend my shirt says that, thank you!!”
Imagine walking down a busy street and having to do that to everyone that looked at you. I’d probably just get a box to stand on and gather everyone around at one time and just do it that way. Just do it once for everyone.
That’d be a lot of pressure though. Public speaking in front of that many people. I’d probably have to imagine everyone in their underwear or something like that while I asked everyone to imagine my shirt saying the stuff about happening and stopping. What irony!
Anyway, unrelated, the lady at the lunch place today was like, “Sir, do you want Avocado Crema on this?”, and I, caught off guard, stammered, “On my Mongolian beef burrito?”, to which she nodded yes. I had never considered the existence of whatever “avocado crema” is, let alone considered it as a viable topping for my Mongolian beef burrito. My mind was awash with confusion, delight, and terror. “Oh my God yes please wow!” was the only thing I could get out amid my overstimulated stupor. Until about a week ago, I didn’t know what Mongolian beef was, and until lunch today, I didn’t know what avocado crema was. But there I was having both! I made sure not to spill any on my shirt because then I would have had to also ask people to pretend the stain wasn’t covering any part of the shirt that they were pretending said THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY HAPPENING, AND I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO STOP.
OK, gotta run. Based on the yelling coming out of the conference room down the hall, I think my boss might be looking for whoever threw up a Mongolian beef burrito with avocado crema in the corner of the conference room.
I gotta go pretend I don’t know who did it.
“Sup boss man, hey, real quick, before we start off here, can you please pretend this shirt says, ‘THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY…’”
