Words and Thoughts: Rebuttals To the CBC
Hello again, alleged readers! I was just working on my rebuttal letter to the CBC there regarding their most recent response to my most recent Caillou guest script submission. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on what I have so far. Here’s the background: In February, I sent the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation another unsolicited script for the animated children’s television program, Caillou, broadcast in English and French. Everyone knows that in addition to someday visiting Ohio, getting a Caillou script accepted is something I’m hoping happens. This latest script is titled “Hopscotch at the At-Grade Train Crossing – Part Two” / “Marelle au Passage à Niveau – Deuxième Partie”. Broadcasting this episode would almost certainly be predicated upon broadcasting both halves of Part One / Première Partie (obviously), and “Hip Replacement?” / “Remplacement de la Hanche” (for the lore establishment). Here’s aselection of the CBC’s responses, and my draft rebuttals:
CBC: We don’t broadcast Caillou.
Rebuttal: Incorrect, if it’s broadcast in Canada, it must be by your corporation, otherwise that’s false advertising, and I’m gonna tell Justin Trudeau.
CBC: Caillou was cancelled.
Rebuttal: Bring it back.
CBC: Ms. Martin would likely not allow Caillou and the other children to have a hopscotch competition on the railroad crossing.
Rebuttal: For a corporation that doesn’t broadcast Caillou, you sure seem to know a lot about it!
CBC: The family cat’s line where he calls Caillou, “a little bitch” / “le petit salope” is wholly inappropriate.
Rebuttal: Then Caillou needs to stop bothering the cat the way he always does.
CBC: The train in the third act can’t be Norfolk Southern, change to a GO Train.
Rebuttal: Fine.
CBC: We can’t help but to notice the obvious parallels to Fried Green Tomatoes.
Rebuttal: What great media work doesn’t have obvious parallels to Fried Green Tomatoes??
CBC: Please stop sending these.
Rebuttal: I will not.
Pretty airtight response I’ve got so far I’d say. But like I said, I’d be interested in your thoughts. Fax me your notes. Should I include a bomb threat or bribe money etc.? To be clear, obviously neither the bomb nor money would actually be real, but they wouldn’t know that until like way later on. Which magazines should I use to cut out the letters from for my response? Do you think I should start with the professional salutation “Dear humans what run the TV channel there,”? Or maybe the super formal “To whomst it may concerneth”? Or appeal emotionally with “Greetings my passionate and prolific lovers”? Also, do you think if I mailed them a VHS of Gladiator as a gesture of goodwill that they might misinterpret, and think that Russell Crowe is coming to fight them if they don’t accept my script? Actually, that’d be fine if they did.
Definitely mailing in the Gladiator tape.
I think my coworker Dillon has Gladiator at his house. And he’s here at work, which is great, because honestly I don’t have time to chitchat with Dillon at his house. I have to mail this rebuttal! I’ll be gone to his house and back to work before he ever knows his car was missing from the parking lot.
Fax me your notes though while I’m running my errand, please!
