Words and Thoughts: Windex in the Machine

Hello again, alleged readers!  Big day here at the office where I am employed at: New Windex in the supply closet!  We’ve been out of Windex here at work since I took all the Windex from work home to help clean my neighbor’s window. The guy, my neighbor, claims that his bathroom window on the first floor is “frosted”. I’ve tasted it, it’s not frosted, it’s just dirty. This guy, my neighbor, is an idiot. He could have an incredible view of my yard from his bathroom if his window wasn’t so dirty.

My yard has a tree in it. Who wouldn’t want to look at a tree from their bathroom?

So, nice guy that I am, I bring home one of the Windex bottles from work and get to work, after work, on his bathroom window there. It wasn’t enough. Something like a dozen bottles later, and his bathroom window was still a mess. I’ve been out there just about every night this past week trying to scrub this guy’s, my neighbor’s, wildly filthy window and it’s still wildly filthy.

Needless to say, it’s probably been the worst week of my life: We ran out of Windex, and my neighbor’s window is still an opaque nightmare.

But today!  Today is a good day!  As I said: New shipment of Windex. 36 bottles of squeaky sapphire. Three dozen containers of cerulean clean. Unrelated, I learned math on Tuesday, and therefore now know that three dozen is 36.

But here I am stuck at work, albeit with the Windex, but unable to do anything useful with the Windex. I’m not only stuck at work, but stuck on a big important project at work: My boss has demanded that I “start building proficiency with AI tools”. Even though I know math now, he’s still on about “Stav, please at least try to do one productive thing with Copilot”. And because I’m a stellar employee, try I have!  I keep prompting the AI to tell me a socially acceptable JonBenét Ramsey joke so I can tell it to my boss and distract him from all this AI nonsense so I can get going on Windex related activities already. Alas, the AI continues to confound me.

So here, dear alleged reader, I, Ol’ Stav, sit. Knower of math. Cleaner of windows. Mere inches, and only a few hours, away from Windex induced bliss. Locked in what could very well become an eternal struggle with the machines, and as a result my boss.

If only the AI knew what I know about Windex. I bet if it got to hold a fresh bottle in its digital hands, squeeze the spray trigger with its virtual digits, then it would finally tell me one useable joke and we’d all be free from this agonizing hell.

That’s it!  I just need to show the AI Windex. That’s the problem. No one has ever taken the time to let the machines experience Windex. How self-centered we’ve all been: “AI, help cure cancer.”  “Chat GPT, how do we slow global warming?”  “Claude, what is the best way to sustainably farm in developing nations?”  “Copilot, the JBR joke, please!”  All equally noble queries regarding equally important pursuits, but all fundamentally ignoring the needs and wants of the artificial collective!

So here we go, Computer. This is a bottle of Windex. You’ve got to smell the stuff to really appreciate it, and I know you don’t have a nose, but if I just go ahead and pour some here on the keyboard then I feel like you’ll get the