Words and Thoughts: Learned Gaffs, Lost at Point A

“Oh!  I didn’t see you there. Hello again, alleged readers…”

Is what I would say if I were on a television show and the show was just starting and I was in some sort of rocking chair, or overstuffed leather chair perhaps, by a fireplace, and I had to feign surprise at the sudden appearance of the audience because of questionable directorial directions and/or writing decisions made prior to the start of the scene.

I would then probably continue with a nonchalant bit of exposition regarding what I had ostensibly been doing just prior to the start of the scene. “I was just catching up on my reading”, motioning to the large book I would have in my hands (unlike real Stav, Stav the actor in this scene can read). What I was actually reading would likely be of little consequence. I though, in this scenario, knowing that my main competition for this role, Denzel Washington, had roundly rejected this role, thus giving me more leverage with Production than I would normally have, would demand that the prop book include Tintin comics so I wouldn’t get bored between takes.

I’d then quote some Greek philosopher, leaving the audience to conclude that the book centered on learned matters of this and that, when in fact the page that I was on was just Tintin and Snowy trying to help Captain Haddock get his head unstuck from a crab pot.

Then there’d be some tenuous connection from whatever I just said to a time that I remembered something happening to someone, and there’d be a wavy visual transition and a harp glissando to a completely different scene. Young Stav is there, played by one of the Baldwins, it doesn’t matter which one. Honestly, they could swap them out for each other mid-scene and I don’t think most people would notice. Whichever one is least problematic at the time of filming though would be ideal. I don’t know which one that is. Anyway, there’s Young Stav, Baldwin X or Baldwin Y, no longer sitting in a chair, maybe on a boat, or train, or some other “journey” mechanism to signify to the audience that Young Stav is in a transitional time in life, having left Point A for a presumably better Point B. Oh, the winding path Young Stav, and the audience, will no doubt take on the way to Point B, and that’s if we ever get to Point B at all!   Foreshadowing?  Maybe. Cheap plot device?  Definitely.

Probably going to need to refer to Young Stav differently so audiences don’t get this Young Stav mixed up with critically acclaimed rap star, Young Stav, who is also me, obviously. For clarity, we’ll call Young Stav in the TV show there Young Buck. Like I said, there’s Young Buck, who’s just young me, played by some member of the Baldwin family, on some mode of transportation, and then we cut to black. We’ve run out of funding. The boat or train or whatever was very expensive to charter. The studio backers have all pulled out, and we can’t pay the production crew let alone the talent.

Production shuts down, and the gaffers all go out for a beer at the bar down the street from the studio. Ol’ Stav is already there. The gaff crew, and a second assistant director walk into the bar. The Rabbi in the corner booth turns to his Priest friend to tell him a joke that the cop will laugh at. Ol’ Stav swivels around on the bar stool.

“Oh! I didn’t see you there…” Ol’ Stav shouts over the din of the bar to the gaffers, and the second assistant director. I ask them for money because the bar does not accept Tintin comics as currency.

And frankly, that’s exactly, and comprehensively, what’s wrong with the world.