Words and Thoughts: Aliens in Cars, Getting Coffee

Hello again, alleged readers! This last week I had just come in from machete practice in the backyard, and planned to sit down to watch Rick Tomaska’s US Coin Show. There I was, dripping with sweat from the exertion of throwing a machete across the yard, running after it, picking it up, and throwing it again, absolutely exhausted, and just wanting to watch Rick Tomaska. Can you fathom the depths of my frustration when I was unable to find Rick, or his coins, on my TV?  If you cannot fathom it, try to think of how deep your mom thinks Hallmark movie plotlines are, and triple it. So, like super frustrated.

Right then and there, with no time to towel off, or even put down the machete, I ran over to my neighbor’s house. I could see they were home through their back window, and wasted no time with formalities like a doorbell, or the front door. Because there was no time. It was Rick Tomaska time, and there was no Rick Tomaska.

I burst in through the back window and shouted, “Cheryl, Mark, Cheryl and Mark’s Child… good to see you all!  Don’t move!”  I motioned at them furiously with my machete that they should stay put, because I did not want to inconvenience them more than I was already about to by making them think they should get up, and get me a lemonade, and a taco, because while those would have been great, there was no time for these things… because Rick Tomaska.

“I swear to God if any of you move, I will lose it!  DO NOT USE YOUR PHONES!  In fact, give me your phones right now!!” I screamed, because I did not want them ordering me takeout while I was there, because again, I didn’t want to be a burden on them, and I lost my appetite when I couldn’t find US Coin Show. Their TV was already on, and I took the remote off Mark’s chair’s armrest.

“Just need to quickly check here… Channel 225… crap, not 25, 225… OH MY GOD THERE’S NO RICK HERE EITHER!  Mark!  Cheryl!  WHERE IS RICK??” I didn’t bother asking their six-year-old because heretofore this kid has always been useless, and unable to help with literally anything. Last year when I was demo-ing a bathroom, it was like he had never held a sledgehammer before. And Mark and Cheryl know it too, they were livid when they found out that I got the kid out of kindergarten to help with the bathroom demo, presumably because they already knew the child would bring shame upon their family with his boundless ineptitude. But I digress.

Mark and Cheryl did not know where Rick was, and they must’ve been in shock, because really all they could tell me is that they just thought this whole thing was “crazy”. And while I partially agreed, I don’t think it’s as crazy as the concept of driving a car. I said, “Mark, Cheryl, Mark and Cheryl’s child kinda, while I’m tempted to agree with you, I would be remiss not to point out- no please, sit back down- remiss not to point out that it’s not as crazy as the concept of driving a car.”  They looked at me with rapt awe, no doubt in anticipation of the profound concept I was about to illustrate for them.

I pushed their flat screen off the credenza, they’d not be needing it because as we had found out, there was no Rick. I got up on the credenza, and it’s newly cleared “stage”, and asked them to imagine an alien (not the ones from “Signs” though, because they are horrifying, rather more like Macaulay Culkin, who seems to be a much friendlier alien than the “Signs” ones). And imagine that this Alien has just come to Earth and asks about these machines we call “cars” that we use to get around everywhere. So, here’s the scene: We sit down with the alien at McDonald’s and get a coffee in a cup that tells us that the hot coffee we’ve ordered is going to be hot, because humans need this type of oversight lest they not comprehend the inherent risks of heat. Shawn, the server who served us this coffee is very excited because he just completed the four-day training course required to be able to wipe down the front of the coffee machine, because humans need this type of care and training lest they hurt themselves wiping down the coffee machine. We glance out the window and notice two teenagers kicking each other in the groin for fun because free will exists for humans.

Stav: So basically everyone gets to drive cars!

Alien: But not those teenagers over there sterilizing themselves, right?

Stav: No no, them too!

Alien: I see. But certainly not the intended recipients of this warning that their hot coffee is hot, right?

Stav: Buddy, can I call you “buddy”, Mr. Culkin?

Alien: Sure.

Stav: Basically EVERYONE can drive a car!

Alien: Wow, OK. But surely there must be some sort of rigorous training, qualification, and testing before one can operate these cars, right?

Stav: I mean, there’s a test that you take once, but it’s far less demanding than Shawn’s coffee machine wipe-down certification.

Alien: That’s really something. But there must be very strict laws governing the use of these cars?

Stav: Oh definitely.

Alien: And humans must, out of a shared sense of decency and duty, ALWAYS abide by these laws, which is a relief.

Stav: Hold up there, guy!  I don’t think any human has ever completed a car journey where EVERY law has been followed explicitly.

Alien: Oh my. Humans must then be very good at minimizing distractions and paying attention only to this very demanding skill that driving a car must be.

Stav: What?

Alien: I was saying humans must be good at minimizing distractions so they can focus on the car?

Stav: Yeah, for sure, sorry, one of the teenagers just missed his kick and fell into a puddle. Yes, humans minimize focus really well.

Alien: On our planet, our wormhole pods that we use to transit the galaxy have strict separation laws so that no two pods can ever be near each other, thus ensuring that the pods don’t collide. Cars must have incredibly large separation buffers, no?

Stav: About three feet, maybe, when they’re driving at each other, about three inches when they’re driving the same direction.

Alien: AT EACH OTHER? Do cars go fast??

Stav: Fast enough to literally obliterate humans AND animals both outside AND inside the cars!

Alien: Fascinating!  These machines must then be incredibly reliable pieces of engineering.

Stav: Oh many of them are indeed pieces of something, that’s for sure!

Alien: Are these machines simplified so that humans may diagnose and repair their own?

Stav: Actually, no!  An entire industry, and comedy trope, exists around humans 1) needing other, specialized humans to fix their broken cars and 2) describing the way their car is broken to an invariably incredulous specialized human.

Alien: This truly has been enlightening, you must be the most intelligent being on this planet, Stav.

Stav: Mr. Culkin, that’s very nice of you to say, and as far as I know, you could be correct!  Would you like to go drive a car now?

And, scene. Thank you!  Mark, y’know what, please do go ahead and order me takeout now. This impromptu bit of theater has made me forget all about Rick Tomaska, and as such, my appetite has returned.