Words and Thoughts: More Paper, More Toilet!
Hello again, alleged readers! I recently lost most of your fax numbers in a terrible accident in which I wanted to see what would happen if I put a stack of paper in one of the high-flow toilets at work. The only stack of paper that I had at the time was the 8.5” by 11” papers that I keep your numbers on. For efficiency, I only write one digit on each sheet of paper so that there’s no other distractions. When people put a ten-digit fax number all on one page, that’s just way too many numbers in one spot. One digit, one page, ten pages per person. Absolute clarity, unmitigated efficiency.
Anyway, I was in the bathroom at work and suddenly thought, “wow, there is so much ‘flush’ here! At home there is only moderate flush, but here is much flush!” And per last week’s fax, we’re all now familiar with toilet paper, and a toilet’s ability to flush toilet paper, but why stop at toilet paper with such a powerful machine like a work toilet? What about real paper?? A lot of real paper!! As this was now becoming an urgent matter of critical research, I needed to act quickly. I had no time to wheel the copier into the bathroom to start emptying paper trays into the toilet, I had to take more immediate and drastic measures. The stack of fax numbers I always carry around would have to suffice.
Wow, what scientific findings were found! The flush was much, but the paper was mucher. Despite the mighty power of the work toilet, your fax numbers were winning. It became clear that if much flush was not enough, we would need many of the much flush. I pushed the flush button again. Then again. With the force of ten thousand exploding suns, I thunder-punched the flush button more times than I can count (which is not a lot, but I did push it a lot, like the gap between the numbers I can count to, and the times I pushed the flush button was many, like the flushes).
Guess what, alleged readers: Your fax numbers emerged victorious! The work toilet, with its once mind-blowing flush, was no longer flushing. Perhaps it was a pyrrhic victory though. While the toilet was defeated, the fax numbers were now wet, out of order, and had been in a toilet. Technically anything in the bathroom had been in a toilet in way, as when all was said in done we were looking at about an inch of water on the floor, and I had done some splashing putting the karate moves on the flush button.
Right away I walked out of there, headed to my boss’ office, and shook as much water off of myself as I could. My boss was on a Microsoft Teams call about numbers (not your fax numbers) until I went in there and yelled, “Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!” Because I was about to rob my boss of his ignorance as to what happens when you put a couple of reams of paper into a toilet and flush it a lot.
Man was he pissed. Obviously, the Teams call he was on must’ve really been awful, because he was in a foul mood as soon as he whipped his chair around. I’m like, “but you think because the toilet can do toilet paper, it might do other paper, right?”, and he’s just going off screaming about who knows what. “It actually can’t! Isn’t that wild??” More yelling. And then I’m trying to explain that I literally can’t take the bandit mask off, because it’s part of the whole bit, and the robbery isn’t like a REAL robbery. But he wasn’t having it.
As such, action items for all of you:
If anyone is interested in any of my groundbreaking original research about the work toilet and printer paper, as my company seems to have no interest, I will be glad to sell it… for the betterment of society, and great personal profit, not in that order.
Please re-send me your fax numbers, because, per the above, I no longer have them.
