Words and Thoughts: Next Stop, Laser Mountain
Hello again, alleged readers. Day in and day out it feels like I’m being held down at work. My upward mobility is constantly stifled. All I hear from the overlords is:
“Stav, please come down off the fridge.”
“Stav, don’t try to climb the Keurigs.”
“Stav, the light fixtures will not hold you up there.”
“Stav, a fall from ‘the height of the water cooler’ is not a medical justification for going out on disability.”
“Stav, get out of the crawlspace above the drop ceiling.”
If the crawlspace is not for crawling around in, and I can’t stack all of the Keurigs into a pile then run up them like they’re the Aggro Crag, I don’t even know why I even go to work anymore.
As such, I’ve started going to laser tag with Darren instead of work with people who aren’t at laser tag usually. Darren bought 500 Bitcoins in 2010 and doesn’t have to work anymore. I did not buy any Bitcoins ever, and don’t want to work anymore. It’s a logical partnership. Last Tuesday, Darren brought his friend Adam along to laser tag.
“Adam’s a vet!” Darren told me.
“Cool, can you take a look at this tooth that’s been bothering me?” I asked Adam.
“No man, wow, like Desert Storm.” Darren clarified before Adam could look at my tooth.
Feeling stupid, I recovered quickly however, “Oh my bad, thank you for getting all those medical students off that island!”
Then we played laser tag, and Adam beat me 5,725 to 5. I scored my 5 when I got him in the lobby before we took our gear off but after I stopped crying.
I think maybe the key to restoring my upward advancement opportunities at work is laser tag. If we implemented laser tag at work, and less of whatever we’ve been doing there, suddenly the value proposition of the top of the fridge, the top of the Keurig stack, the light fixtures, and the crawlspace would all become incredibly evident extremely quickly. And what better subject matter expert on all of those things is there than Ol’ Stav here? I submit that there is no one better suited to reap the rewards that come from expertise on every inch of high ground in the office than I am.
It’s so clear now! The problem isn’t that management is keeping me down, it’s that they don’t understand the value of up. To put this more simply, the issue is that there is no laser tag in the office. Unfortunately, I don’t think the laser tag place will let us take their gear to my office. Which is a problem, however no problem is insurmountable.
We have an unnecessary amount of office supplies at the office. We can throw staplers and coffee mugs at each other instead of using laser tag guns. Honestly, it’s probably better that way. Guns, even in the form of laser tag blasters, rightly so might make some uncomfortable. But almost no one is uncomfortable with a wireless keyboard.
“That’s why Stav is employee of the month…” Sarah in Marketing will no doubt exclaim with envy as the three-hole-punch that I just launched from my position in the air vent bounces off her shin, “…five points for Stav!”
