Words and Thoughts: Ezra Fitch, David Abercrombie, and Barkevious Mingo Walk Into a Mall…
Hello again, alleged readers! Exciting times at the office! A family of foxes has taken up residence under the tree next to our office parking lot. In an apparent effort to impart some whimsy into our workday, Cheryl, one of the Admins for one of the Vice Presidents sent out a delightful email asking for “suggestions” to “name” the foxes.
Ok, Cheryl, they already have names, I know because I’ve spoken with them. So asking for suggestions for new names seems pretty ridiculous now doesn’t it? The parents are Simon and Lauren; and the kits are Simon Jr., Symon, Kara, and Barkevious Mingo (Simon is a big LSU fan). After informing Cheryl of this, I didn’t want to short her on her request for suggestions. As such, I presented Cheryl with more than a suggestion, but a full-on, fool-proof business plan:
Our office campus consists of two, two-story buildings. Marketing, Sales, Product Development, and the Executives are in one building. I don’t think we need that building. We should turn it into a concept called a “mall”. I saw a mall in Michigan one time, and I think we should put a mall here. I don’t think anyone has really tried this concept outside of Michigan, as such, the masses will no doubt flock to such an exciting destination. The building itself is early industrial brick and mortar construction. We could call it “The Amazon Mall”, and put a palm tree, or whatever they have in the rainforest, out front. It’d be a nouveau-kitsch juxtaposition: industry and rainforest in one spot… how novel! Alternatively, we could call it “The EBAY Mall”: Everything But a Yurt. This would let consumers know that they can buy just about anything at our mall, except a yurt. Consumers will need to go elsewhere for their yurt needs.
There are two floors. On the first floor, there’d be a Piercing Pagoda. There would also be a Piercing Pagoda on the second floor, because consumers need instant access to goods and services, and if they are on the second floor, they should not have to go back down to the first floor to get to Piercing Pagoda. There is undeveloped, accessible space on the roof of the building, so there is plenty of room to put a Piercing Pagoda up there too.
The flagship store will be a pre-rebrand Abercrombie and Fitch. But like pre-pre rebrand, so outdoor gear and sporting goods for extended wilderness excursions. There will also be a store called “Airopostal” that will be next to Abercrombie and Fitch, and sell really cheap outdoor gear and sporting goods for short wilderness excursions. The Abercrombie customers will mercilessly mock the Airo customers. This is a requirement for any successful mall.
Shoppers will no doubt get hungry after spending hours on end in the mall, so we will have a microwave where shoppers can heat up a soft pretzel they’ve brought from home.
To help the project get a head start while we get “official” approval, I took the liberty of driving my co-worker Dillon’s Pontiac Aztek into the granite sign with our company name on it in front of the soon-to-be mall a few times. While the sign is still there, it’ll have to be easier to demo now that it’s been repeatedly hit by a car-like vehicle.
Oh, also, everything will be self-checkout. The future is now!
