Words and Thoughts: Onions in the Cam Fields of Soup City, France
Hello again, alleged readers. Bad news from the cafeteria front: the soup isn’t super. Last week, my employer had the audacity, the gall, the impudence even, to change the little bowls with corresponding lids that hold soup from the cafeteria. For as long as I can remember, which is a very long time, we’ve had little bowls that hold exactly two ladles of soup. Now, these new abominations, masquerading as little bowls, hold one and just under three quarters of a ladle.
The price has not changed. “But Stav, you always just steal the soup anyway” I can hear you all saying. Well, dear alleged readers, Ibought the soup today just to make sure the price was the same, and it was!
The ladles haven’t changed, I know this because when I put them on my head, they fit up there the same as they always have.
The bowls, and therefore the amount of soup in those bowls, has changed overnight, and I’m not having it. Rather, I am having it. Having the same amount of soup that is. Exactly two ladles of soup. No more, no less.
“But Stav, the new little bowls don’t hold that much soup” you say? Not my problem. “Stav, you’re soup is overflowing onto the counter” the cashier says? Seems there’s a problem with the bowls.
“Stav, it’s all over your dirty paws”, Cass from Accounting advises, dismayed? A problem for those who have imposed these tiny bowls. And please stop incorporating Of Monsters and Men titles in your everyday speech.
“Stav, did you mix clam chowder and French Onion soup?” Dillon with the Pontiac Aztek asks, disgusted. “Yes Dillon, and I see absolutely no problem there.
Do you, dear reader, know how many things I touch between my desk and the cafeteria and back? SO MANY things. And now those things have French Clam Onion Chowder (that’s what I call it) all over them. ALL over them. It is glaringly clear to me that my employer actively wants Clam Onion French Chowder (that’s what I call it when I want to be slightly silly) all over everything, because why else would they have changed soup bowls? And far be it from ol’ Stav here to deprive my employer of absolute best in class execution of goals.
If the goal is Chowder of French Clams from Onion Town (I’m pretty sure that’s the grammatical syntax the French would use for the soup name) on everything, and the company has enabled me so well to achieve those goals, then Ol’ Stav is going to exceed all available KPI’s, metrics, and targets (these are terms I hear my co-workers using).
Anyway, unrelated, there is a horrible smell at my cube at work. It’s been getting worse since last week. I’d normally just work from home, because I don’t like being in the office, but I’m putting in extra effort to get soup on everything as of late, as you already know, as such, I persevere.
Oh, the joys of being an alleged professional office worker.
