Words and Thoughts: Things About Things, and Other Things

Hello again, alleged readers! Sometimes in life, and in other places, there are things that we don’t think should be there, at that time, doing the thing that is being done by the thing we think shouldn’t be. For example, I have a burned compact disc on which tracks 1 through 6 and 8 through 15 are “Vertigo” by U2, but track 7 is three minutes of a homemade recording of me repeatedly hitting a cast iron pan with a five-sided cheese grater while I make nonsensical chittering noises. I store this CD in the washing machine for safekeeping, and to keep the disc clean (obviously). Many would look at this situation, and think, “Stav, you can’t wash clothes in there. That’s your CD storing machine!”.

Dear alleged reader, I can’t fault you for thinking this, as the vast majority of the time, the alleged and so-called washing machine is used exclusively to store the CD, and not wash clothes. Therefore, the primary purpose of this machine could easily be inferred to be to “hold my CD”. Even if you’re not keeping a CD in there, most of the time the thing is just “holding air”. Side note, honestly, it’s not airtight, so it doesn’t hold air that well. I’ve been stuck in a washing machine a whole bunch of times, and a lot of fresh air is able to get in usually, but you get my point. Regardless, I say “Nay, dear alleged readers!  You may think that based on the empirical evidence available to you that I can’t wash my clothes in the CD storing machine, but au contraire… you can do both!  The thing you thought that shouldn’t be is the thing that can be even though we thought it shouldn’t!”  I always say that, as you know. And now that thing that I always say applies here as well.

Here’s my point though: I’ve tried selling my CD to every record label I can think of. Sony, Universal, Warner, and a bunch of their subsidiaries. Columbia, Def Jam, Island (twice), Atlantic… the list goes on. Not one label is interested in my CD. “Vertigo” was a Certified Gold single in the US, and won three Grammy’s. The album it’s on, “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb” (which does not provide sufficient instructions on how to dismantle anything, let alone an atomic bomb) went Triple Platinum, and it only has “Vertigo” on it once. Based on the evidence available, my “Vertigo 14 Times and the Cheese Grater vs Pan One Time Album” album would go whatever three times 14 is Platinum.

Granted, it’s a concept album, which understandably can of course have a bit of a cooling effect on mainstream consumer record sales. However, it’s probably one of the more accessible concept albums since either Coheed’s “Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness”, or possibly Raffi’s “Bananaphone”.

Alas, this is a case of record company executives thinking things shouldn’t be things that definitely should be things.

“Vertigo 14 Times and the Cheese Grater vs Pan One Time Album” by Stav Knudsenen ft. U2 should absolutely be a thing.