Words and Thoughts: Dick Schoof’s Waffles,
Hello again, alleged readers! As you probably know, the Dutch government collapsed again. Ol’ Geert Wilders there ripped the rug out from under Dick Schoof’s wooden clogs and now the whole government is windmilling out of control. That’s what historians will say in a hundred years from now… because that’s what’s happening now.
Already, Belgian school children (constant tormentors of The Dutch) are taunting each other on the football pitch at recess with the blistering insult, “Your defensive scheme is about as effective as Dick Schoof’s government!”
It’s catchier in Dutch: “Jouw verdedigende voetbalstrategie is ongeveer net zo effectief als de regering van Dick Schoof!”
Over the years, it’s no secret that Ol’ Stav here hasn’t been the kindest to The Dutch, but say what you want about the alleged language that is Dutch, at least it’s a language. The Belgians on the other hand mooch linguistically off their neighbors. Half the country speaks Dutch, the other half speaks French, and a decimal remainder speak German. C’mon now. Even Luxembourgers have their own Luxembourgish.
However, the Belgians have seen fit to leave language to others. Instead the Belgians have focused on waffles, and that one Colin Farrell film that’s about Ralph Fiennes forcing Brendan Gleeson to be in a boring movie.
Prior to 1958, when Belgians presumably traded access to their waffle to a couple of their neighbors in exchange for licensing rights to said neighbors’ respective languages (a deal probably known as The Great Waffle Bargain, or De Grote Wafelkoopje in Dutch), no one actually knows anything about Belgium I don’t think.
But boy howdy, once those Belgians got access to words, the greater northwest region of Europe has never been the same! And say what you want about the alleged country of Belgium, at least their government hasn’t “Schoofed”. “Schoofed” is a verb I came up with right around the paragraph about waffles that means “to collapse like the Dutch Government”, and I’ve been wanting to use the term “Schoofed” ever since.
At the end of the day though, or really any part of the day – because I think the Europeans experience time differently than those of us here in North America. I know exactly five people from Belgium and The Netherlands, and whenever I call them to talk about what I just watched on Jimmy Fallon, they’re always asking if I know what time it is. 1) I do not know what time it is because I have no concept of it, and they should probably know this, and 2) they act like I’m waking them up out of a sound sleep – so what if Ol’ Geert there “Schoofed” the government? So what if not one person who said they liked that Colin Farrell movie was telling the truth?
The Dutch and the Belgians ain’t never did no wrong to Stav, and Stav ain’t fixin’ to get no ill will towards them. I mean, the waffles alone… I have eaten a stranger’s discarded Belgian waffle out of the trash on one occasion, and I’d do it again without hesitation. And Tulips… I have eaten a stranger’s discarded bouquet of tulips out of the trash on two occasions, and I’d do it again without hesitation.
