Words and Thoughts: Les Bandits de la Revière Ville Quadruples
Hello again, alleged readers. We begin today’s fax with a reading from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians:
Dear Bob and Sue Corinthian,
It is your neighbor, Paul, and I write this letter to regretfully inform you that I can no longer house-sit for you in two weeks. My uncle in Des Moines is getting his gallbladder removed, and I told my aunt I would fly out there and help her out while my uncle recovers. Would it be OK if I asked Theresa to house-sit in my place?
Sincerely,
Paul
Bob and Sue never lock their mailbox. I’ve never met Paul in person, but I hope his uncle is OK!
For the first half of my life, I thought Des Moines was pronounced as it’s spelled: Des Moines. But then someone said, “No Stav, it’s French.” “The hell it is,” I responded. “It’s Iowan.”
Have you ever been to Des Moines? I haven’t. And I’m pretty damn sure the French haven’t either. Yet here we are, with a French city, named after a French river (the Des Moines River, pronounced, Des Moines, like the city) sitting squarely in the middle of Iowa, in the middle of America, which is about as far away from France as one can get, both physically and philosophically.
Honestly though, maybe it’s high time we brought the French to Des Moines. An untapped travel market for discerning European adventure travelers. I can see the travel posters now: “Des Moines, the Corn Riviera,” rather “Des Moines, La Riviera du Maïs”. Busloads of French tourists would descend upon Iowa’s capital and branch out on multi day excursions to the rest of the state:
- Perhaps a stop in The Quad Cities for a River Bandits game, where right from their seat at the ballpark they could probably see both the cities of Moline, and East Moline! What French traveller wouldn’t jump at the chance to cheer on the High Single-A Minor League Affiliate of the Royals??
- The Hy-Vee Supermarket in Cedar Rapids has really good bread the French could try!
- They could stop and take pictures of the Iowa State Flag! It’s a French flag, except it has an eagle eating a banner on it, and in big red letters it reads “IOWA”; so presumably the French would feel at home, yet understand they’re not in Kansas anymore, so to speak.
- There are almost certainly other things to do, but I think the Stav Knudsenen’s Intrastate Bus Tours in Iowa, for French People, LLC. (which I’ve just thought up while writing this fax) will start there.
Please do not steal my idea for SKIBITI, FFP, LLC.
I don’t know anyone in Des Moines though, except for Paul’s aunt and uncle, I guess. I suppose I could write a letter to Paul, to see if his Uncle would want to invest any of his profits from his gallbladder sale in the new venture.
I suppose we can also end the French boycott. I’ll inform L’Oréal and The Sorbonne.
