Words and Thoughts: AM Radio in a Pontiac Aztek

Hello again, alleged readers! How about this weather? How about that weather? Whether it’s this or that, the weather certainly is about how it is. Because.

I have regrettable news to share with you, alleged readers. I have had to return the polo mallet I referenced in my last fax. Even if you didn’t read my last fax, here’s all you need to know:

• There is apparently more than one library
• There is apparently more than one book about Microsoft Excel
• There is a newer version than Excel ‘97

Please don’t ask how I found those three facts out. Let’s just say I’m no longer permitted to call my town’s AM radio station, for any reason.

It is because of those three facts, that I will no longer be rich, and had to return my polo mallet. I know when I’ve been bested by life. Of course, I did try the most obvious next course of action in order to try to maintain my wealth, and thus retain my polo mallet, to no avail: I drove my car into a wall. Well, not my car, but a car that I was driving.

Middle of last week, I roller-chaired over to my coworkers’ desk and said, “Dillon! Give me the keys to your Pontiac Aztek right now! I have matters of great import to attent!” Dillon was not at his desk, so I simply took his keys from his drawer.

I walked out to the parking lot, got into Dillon’s Pontiac Aztek, backed out of the parking spot very carefully, and drove into the ornamental brick wall at the entrance to the parking lot going about 15 mph. I then immediately called an insurance company, while still in the car (lest I disturb the scene of an accident) and stated, “I’ve just driven a car into a wall. I would like money now, please.”

The agent on the phone laid down some bureaucratic jargon about, “this being a dental insurance company,” and “not having a policy,” etc. etc.

First of all, sir, I have multiple policies:

• Always eat the drums first, flats are a last resort.
• Never try to fight an entire high school tennis team at once.
• Always be closing. Alec Baldwin was really big on this for some reason, and Jack Lemmon was not. They had a fight about it, and shortly thereafter Jack Lemmon decided to go make movies with Walter Matthau, far away from Alec Baldwin.
• Never stick a fork in an outlet, unless you are trying to either put the fork in the outlet, or get something out of the outlet.
• Always remember to water the Willie Nelson Chia Pet.

Alas, these were not the policies Mr. Dental Insurance Man there was looking for. Not having any more policies, I was clearly out of luck. As AM-1340 had already blocked my number, I was out of options. At that moment, Dillon came storming across the parking lot looking very upset. It was clear that we were both having a bad day. He was probably looking for his car keys.

What a relief it must have been when I handed Dillon’s, presumed to be lost, keys back to him, as I set off on foot to return my polo mallet.

At least I was able to brighten Dillon’s day, finding his keys for him and all. Small victories, Stav, small victories.