Words and Thoughts: Equinophobia and the Buggles
Hello again, alleged readers! I, Stav Knudsenen, recently bought a polo mallet. “But Stav, you don’t play polo, and are afraid of horses,” I can hear you all saying. “Ah yes, but people with money play polo,” is my confident reply, “fear be damned!”
Fear kills the mind, according to Frank Herbert. Can’t have that. Videos kill the radio, according the The Buggles. Can’t have that either. No fear, no videos. Glad we’re clear on that. Anyway…
“But Stav, you barely understand the concept of money, let alone have any,” I already know is your response. “Not anymore!” I reply emphatically.
“Another chipped tooth at Buc-ee’s out of court settlement?” you are of course assuming. While yes, I did recently bite a Buc-ee’s employee, and while yes, I did chip my tooth on their watch, and while yes, there’s probably settlement money coming because the security camera footage, if viewed at the correct angle, makes it look like the employee handing out samples was taunting me and not giving me a sample: Truth be told, I was on my fourteenth brisket sample, and I was getting a little aggressive; however, that was fortuitously mostly out of frame. Anyway…
I’ve really hit it big this time. I have checked out my local library’s only copy of a title called Everything You Need to Know about Microsoft Excel. I have had it checked out for three straight weeks, and I plan to keep checking it out indefinitely. My work computer, and the computers of four co-workers who left their workstations unlocked last week, ALL have Microsoft Excel on them. If we extrapolate this finding, there’s probably at least, conservatively, two hundred computers that also have Microsoft Excel on them. If just half of those computers belong to individuals who might actively use Microsoft Excel, then I, Stav Knudsenen, just became perhaps the most actively valuable resource in the world.
Stav Knudsenen, the being that holds all of the information about Microsoft Excel. The title of this book is not “Some Things You Might Want to Know…”, it’s “Everything You Need to Know…”, and I hold that knowledge. Rather, the book holds the knowledge, but I hold the book! The only copy of said book in my entire local library. And libraries are boring as hell, and a horrible business model, so I doubt they’re franchised; so, I’m pretty sure my local library is the only library. As such, the only book, at the only library, means I have effectively cornered the market on Microsoft Excel.
“But Stav, surely this monopolistic practice can’t be legal” I hear you positing.
I may have almost no concept of money, but I am more than acquainted with American antitrust laws. Say what you will about the outcome of US v. Alcoa (1945), and its precedent impacts on the Sherman Act, Stav Knudsenen is but a private citizen exercising the inalienable rights bestowed upon him by his neighbor’s library card.
As such, for $3.50, I will explain how to execute one of the two formulas available in Excel. Should you want to know how to do both addition and subtraction, I’ll do a bulk discount of $5.00 for the pair.
Sincerely,
Stav Knudsenen, The King of Microsoft Excel, and Money; CEO
