Words and Thoughts: Dirk Nowitzki vs The Penguin Wizards

Hello again, alleged readers! I’d like to place a sports bet on sports. I feel like every time I switch between watching reruns of the TV Guide Channel on VHS, and watching not-reruns of The Rick Tomaska US Coin Show on regular TV, all I see is ads for all manner of gambling on all manner of athletics.

One can only resist the power of persuasion for so long, I suppose. So, I suppose, it’s time for ol’ Stav to start betting on the sports. I’ve recently come into some money, so my decision to start doing gambles can’t come at a better time. I now have $73 that a man I met in an ATM vestibule gifted to me for showing him my knife collection. I really don’t think my time, nor either of the butter knives from IHOP that I was showing him, were worth $73, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?  I don’t usually like to look at any animals in the mouth. That’s how you get bitten. And that’s how you get rabies. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anyway, here are the wagers I’d like to place:

• I have seen Happy Gilmore fight Bob Barker three times now, and Bob is on a winning streak. I figure Happy is due. I’d like to put $30 on Gilmore, please.
• Luge seems like a good sport. I’d like to bet $20 on luge.
• Finally, I’d like to run a $13 three leg parlay on the Toronto Argonauts at -6.5 and the Vegas Desert Dogs at +8.5, but tease that by +5, with a multi-prop on the third leg that Dirk Nowitzki comes out of retirement at any point this season and records a triple double.

Now that I’ve placed these bets, and will probably win many hundreds of American dollars, I will need to figure out what to do with such untold wealth.

First, I would buy several corndogs. Then who knows what!!

Endless possibilities.

Whoa, too many possibilities. I need guardrails. Maybe we just focus on the corndogs for now. So yes, first several corndogs, then likely a few more corndogs. And that’s as far as the plan will go initially. This seems both socially and fiscally responsible.

Stav Knudsenen: socially and fiscally responsible owner of several, plus a few more, corndogs. I’ll probably have to update LinkedIn, and my Club Penguin account.

Speaking of penguins. Have you ever looked at a penguin and felt any sort of negative emotion? I would be willing to place a non-sports bet that not one of you has ever looked at a penguin and ended up in a worse mood than before you looked at the penguin. Being amused by a penguin is a universal and unavoidable social response. They clearly effortlessly exert mind control over us on a regular basis, as such I think it’s blatantly apparent that they are obviously very powerful wizards, capable of the highest level of sorcery.

Let us all hope that penguins don’t ever decide to use that power for evil.