Real Talk: Text Anxiety, Perfectionism, and Overthinking
Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s advice column with UB alumna Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.
Texting has become really stressful for me. I get overwhelmed when I have to respond to texts and end up ignoring them a lot of the time, which my friends (rightfully) perceive as rude.
I completely feel you – I’m the same way with Instagram messages. With texting, we’re able to visit a conversation when we feel ready to do so, something that we can’t do face-to-face. However, the disadvantage of this is that these messages can sometimes add up. As you mentioned, as the number of messages increases, so does the feeling of being overwhelmed. Do you know why you find texting to be stressful in the first place? Is it something that you’ve always had a hard time with, or is it more recent? If you’re feeling stressed in other areas of your life, you might find that this stress is extending to texting too. I know that, when I was feeling burned out or overwhelmed with school, I was less inclined to be social, in-person and virtually.
I’m sure that your friends perceiving your unresponsiveness as rude doesn’t help you to feel less overwhelmed either. Have you talked to them about this, that you find texting to be stressful? It would likely be helpful to let them know your side so that they have a deeper understanding of why you aren’t responding. This might allow you to work with them to figure out an alternative way of communicating than over text. It’s also completely fine to talk to those around you in different ways! I’d take some time to think about these preferences – do you prefer in-person or phone conversation over text for all topics, or just some? Maybe you feel more comfortable having deeper conversations over the phone, and shorter conversations over text.
Of course, I don’t think it’s totally possible to fully erase texting from your life. For those text messages that do come through though, perhaps you could set aside some time each day to go through the messages you have and respond to them. That way, your friends know they aren’t being ignored, and you don’t have to feel increased stress from not replying, because you know that you’ll have until the next day to respond! I would recommend this as a good starting point in understanding your relationship with texting. Having the simple structure of daily message checks could ease a lot of pressure off the need to respond. It also gives you time to process why texting is overwhelming, and to talk to your friends about what’s been going on and creating plans for different communication options than texting. Once you figure out why texting is associated with stress, you can tweak your behavior and develop a plan from there!
I’m having trouble dealing with perfectionism. I’m overwhelmed by my coursework and am trying to ignore my own unrealistic expectations, but I can feel myself spiraling. Instead of going out or seeing friends, I’ve been staying in my room all day to study. I’m doing well in my courses but I wonder if I’m making the wrong decisions.
It is so easy to enter these spirals where our school-life balance gets thrown off – college is an atmosphere built for academics, and, in general, there’s a ton of pressure on students to do well. Sometimes it can feel like the only way to meet our own expectations (and sometimes others’ expectations as well) is to immerse ourselves in studying. You are one step ahead of me when I was in college – you’re realizing that the balance is off. There’s nothing wrong with working hard and doing well of course, but you don’t want to sell your well-being in exchange for high grades. Spending time outside (especially with it getting dark so soon now) and socializing with friends can actually help you academically rather than hinder you. Giving your brain a break can be beneficial, just like studying is! With being a perfectionist, it may be a good idea to reframe what “perfect” or “up to standard” means to you – perhaps instead of just applying your standards to your coursework, apply it to the way you’re treating yourself as well. Have you eaten 2-3 balanced meals today? Did you have some positive interaction with others? Did you spend some time on a hobby or passion you have that’s separate from school?
To help improve your school-life balance, I would suggest starting with adding some structure to your day. When I was in school, I’d take some time each Monday to plan out all of my homework and assignments for the week. It got to a point where, if I truly followed my plan, I was getting the whole weekend off from homework! It made me feel saner as a whole, knowing that I was able to spend time doing things other than school without worrying about falling behind on an assignment. Planning out the week can also help you hold yourself accountable outside of academics too – you could fill in some breaks for meals or social time. I do recommend trying your best not to frequently tweak your plan throughout the week – this gives you the flexibility to enter the student spiral again, since you’re allowing that balance to be thrown off. Balancing physical, social, mental/emotional, and academic health equally can help you avoid that spiral of drowning in schoolwork. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with assignments or are struggling with a class’s workload in general, try reaching out to friends or classmates for help – if not help academically, then venting and seeing if anyone else is feeling the same way you do. I promise you’re not alone. Spiraling, stressed students are much more common than you think!
How to stop overthinking? I can’t seem to stop obsessing over small interactions. Everything from a casual conversation with a peer to emailing with a professor makes me feel embarrassed.
I understand this and am guilty of it too – things would be much easier if we could just know what others were thinking about us! That’s the most intimidating part of interacting with others – their response can be completely unpredictable. In this, it is completely valid to be so aware of social interactions, as you are (and any email with a professor is awkward). However, I’m sure feeling embarrassed frequently isn’t fun either. It must be tiring to be replaying the interaction over and over.
If you’re anything like me, a fellow overthinker, you may internalize the interactions and the responses you get from others, hence the feeling of obsession. In these situations, I find it helpful to just say it all out loud – to describe the interaction, explain how I feel about it, and why it’s making me feel embarrassed. I’d recommend trying this and seeing how you feel after – you don’t have to say it to anyone else. I find that this works best when you’re alone, because there’s nobody to judge or disagree with the thoughts you’re vocalizing. You can imagine the interaction you’re describing as a weight lifting off your shoulders as it comes out of your mouth. Plus, once you hear how you feel and think about the interaction, you may be able to process that embarrassment and reduce those desires to ruminate or obsess about it. It’s easier to obsess when you haven’t fully processed your feelings or thoughts, so you may find that you’re less likely to focus on these interactions after some time of verbally/externally processing them. You can do the same thing in writing or typing if you don’t feel comfortable speaking aloud as well – basically, some way for your brain to throw your thoughts out there in a way that allows you to see them from an outside lens.
As you continue to process your thoughts about these interactions, you’ll start to find the root of where the embarrassment is coming from. What’s the trend across these interactions that is striking you as something to continue thinking about? Once you have a better understanding of this, you’ll be able to work towards moving away from obsessing over interactions with others. But try externalizing for now, and see what happens! You may learn some things about yourself you didn’t realize before.
