Real Talk: Toxic Friends and Job Search Anxiety

Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s advice column with UB alumna Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.

How to quit a toxic friendship? My first semester I got really close with a peer in my program, but I’m starting to realize how stressful this friendship is. She interprets everything I do very negatively, as if I always have bad intentions or am slighting her. Even though I know she doesn’t mean harm (I think her actions stem from insecurity), we are very different anyway and I just want this friendship to be over. 

I think it’s especially hard to navigate this type of situation when you’re in a program/major together, as there’s a high likelihood that you’ll see each other after ending the friendship. Your insight into recognizing your differences and the way she views you is valuable. It sounds like you’re feeling drained from the friendship – from the stress, from being viewed in a bad light, and just being different people. While you feel that she doesn’t have bad intentions against you, it’s likely that, as you said, her reactions come from insecurity. While you’ve probably been a positive connection for her to have, you can’t change where she’s coming from, or how she chooses to speak or behave around you. All of the reasons you’ve provided for ending the friendship are worth conveying to her – the friendship is stressful for you, you feel that she views you in a bad light, you’re different from each other, and maybe you’re simply not compatible.  In this, I think your recognition and desire to end the friendship should be acted upon, for your own well-being. 

While it’s likely tempting to just ghost her, this isn’t the healthiest approach, especially when you’re in the same program. I’d recommend having a conversation in whatever mode works best for you. Personally, I do better communicating over text than in-person, so I can think before I respond, which can be helpful in navigating difficult topics. Ask if she has some time to talk, or preface the topic in another way – dumping your desire to end the friendship without warning can cause an explosive reaction, and more conflict than good. When she’s available, just take it slowly – explain your concerns about the friendship from your point of view, and allow her to express her side as well. If you feel comfortable, address how the way she treats you feels to you, and see how she responds. I would avoid bringing up your thoughts that her actions stem from insecurity – this can cause an argument and a lot of hurt feelings. Plus, speculating about something like that when she hasn’t told you that she feels insecure can make her feel self-conscious in a negative way. If the conversation becomes accusatory or argumentative, it is completely okay to set a firm boundary – you don’t want to pursue the friendship anymore as it’s causing you stress, and you don’t want to continue the discussion anymore. You’re doing this for your own health, and a toxic friendship isn’t worth fighting over. If you need to, block her to take a break and take some time to process. I can’t guarantee that the conversation will go well, but you’ll likely get the best sense of closure after saying your piece and separating from the friendship. 

After the conversation, I urge you to take some time to decompress with whatever methods you use to reduce stress in your life in other areas. It could be talking to family, socializing with other friends, eating some solid junk food, or just sitting in silence for a while. Although it sounds like ending the friendship will be beneficial and relieving for you in the long run, it may be difficult to work through in the beginning. You’re still losing a presence in your life, and it’s okay to grieve and work through that change. 

I’m scared I won’t be able to get a decent job after graduation. I have a decent resume and good grades, but everything’s so competitive. I’m worried that all my hard work will amount to nothing and I’ll have to go back to my restaurant job and be considered a failure. I don’t know how to stop stressing about the future. 

This is a very common fear across most students who are about to graduate – I felt the same way in my senior year. College provides a comfortable liminal space, in which we’re working towards something that we feel will guarantee us a career right out of the gate. The scary part is realizing that it’s not that easy. You’re right – the job market is very competitive and saturated right now. A lot of people are trying to get jobs in the same field, and this makes it difficult to find a position that’s right for you. 

I can’t guarantee that you’ll find a job right out of college, because I couldn’t guarantee that for myself when I was about to graduate. There is so much about our future that we can’t control – companies decide if they’ll hire us, not the other way around. That’s a really hard pill to swallow, and worry can stem from that feeling that everything is out of our control. The best thing to do is accept it, embrace it, and prepare as much as you can to find a job that works for you. Work with an advisor or peer to ensure your resume is the best it can be, have a couple of cover letter templates ready to go for applications, and be the best interviewee you can when the time comes. You’re not going to be a failure if it doesn’t work out immediately – you’ve made it through college, which is a huge accomplishment! You’d be surprised at how many students drop out before getting their degree. There’s no shame in going back to your restaurant job after college either – I worked at Panera after graduating until I found a job in my field. It pays the bills, and keep in mind that it’s temporary, not permanent! 

Basically, you’re not alone. The best thing you can do is take it one day at a time, and try your best to be in the present each day. You will drive yourself crazy if worrying about the unknown is your priority. You’re going to be graduating soon – savor your last months in college! Spend time with friends and family, try new things and visit new places if you’re able, and enjoy as much as you can. To maintain some control over your future, take some time each day to apply for job applications and see if anything new or interesting is available. With your concerns about returning to your restaurant job, maybe it’s a good idea to make a plan for that if it happens, so that you’ll feel more at ease with that transition and motivated for the next step. Sometimes it’s good to address those worries head-on and strategize around them. If you’re feeling extra overwhelmed – pause, take a deep breath, remind yourself how far you’ve come, and that you’re doing the best you can with what you can control. 

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