Real Talk: Clingy Parents, Back-to-School Blues, and Roommate Anxieties
Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s advice column with UB alumna Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.
I’m about to be a senior but my parents are still very clingy with me. My mom especially seems co-dependent. Advice on setting healthy boundaries without hurting them?
Parents being clingy can mean a wide variety of things. Obviously, I don’t have all the details here, but I recommend that you first evaluate your relationship with your parents to get a better understanding of how you’re feeling. In what ways do you feel they’re clingy/codependent? I would also suggest reflecting on your role in your relationship with your parents. Are you creating an environment that may enable “clingy” behaviors? Sometimes we can lean on our parents when we need extra support, but when we don’t need that extra support anymore, our parents can continue to provide it. This can lead to a feeling of imbalance, and thus a sense of codependency.
Regardless of the dynamic of your relationship with your parents, it’s a smart idea to set healthy boundaries with them. You’re going to be graduating soon, and will be entering “the real world” – the biggest jump into adulthood! This is a major transition, and you want to ensure that you feel supported, while also independent enough to make your own choices about your life as an adult. If you haven’t already, take some initiative in that shift towards adulthood. Do your own taxes this year (if applicable) or pay for some of your bills that your parents have been paying in the past, for example. If you live with your parents, start being proactive around the house. If there are dishes to be done or if dinner needs to be made, take care of those things without your parents telling you to do so first. These small steps towards independence can make the transition after college a bit smoother for you and your parents. Don’t forget – your parents will have to go through a change too! If you sense that they’ve become clingier with you recently, it may be because they’re realizing that they may not see you as much as they can now. Plus, their role has parents is going to change – they can provide guidance and influence, but they won’t have the final say anymore – you will. That can be a lot to adjust to!
Prior to having a conversation regarding boundaries with your parents, I recommend, as I said above, reflecting on your role and their role in your relationship. Try your best to find some concrete examples of times when you felt they were being clingy. This will help soften the blow – even though your intentions are good, being told that you’re clingy is a difficult thing to hear. Avoid calling one parent more codependent than another as well – you can provide examples of one parent’s behavior, but comparing one to the other can be especially hurtful. Finally, try your best to come from a place of explanation rather than accusation. Your feelings are completely valid, and it’s important that your parents see that. Accusing them of being clingy can cause them to become defensive, and then they’ll be less open to hearing your perspective. And speaking of perspective – hear them out too! They may have their own feelings that you weren’t aware of that are creating this feeling of codependency. Allowing everyone in the conversation to explain their side will be the best way to create boundaries collaboratively. I can’t guarantee that feelings won’t be hurt in the process, but in the long run, these boundaries will benefit your relationship with your parents, rather than damage it.
I’m dreading coming back to UB. I don’t have many friends, and I don’t like my major. I’m scared of being lonely and sad again, but I can’t seem to make things better.
I’m really sorry to hear that your experience at UB hasn’t been great. If you’ve had a rough time, it makes total sense that you’re dreading coming back. Even though UB is a big school, friends are hard to come by – finding your people isn’t easy. For me, I’m picky about who I’m friends with, and can tell pretty quickly if I’d get along with someone or not. People I became friends with, I met primarily through my classes, especially the smaller ones. Making friends can start with something as simple as a compliment, or a question about the class. Overtime, acquaintances start to develop, then friendships. Classes, in my opinion, are the easiest places to make friends, because you already have something in common – you’re sitting in the same room learning the same content! I’d recommend doing your best to talk to those around you in those few minutes before lecture, or to continue conversations with your classmates while walking to your next place.
You’ve probably realized this as well, but you’ll find a lot of similar personalities in the same major. If you’re finding that your major isn’t a good fit for you, you may not have found the right people either. I think there’s a lot of pressure for students to end with the same major they started with, but that doesn’t work for everybody. If you don’t like your major, it’s okay to change it! You may have to take some extra classes or stay a semester longer, but you will have studied in an area that you enjoy, and can pursue a career in a field you love! I changed my major several times throughout my time at UB, and it took some extra work, but I can’t imagine how miserable my life would have been if I’d stuck with the major I started with. College is about pursuing your passions, as well as career paths – it is totally okay to explore! You have insight that your current major isn’t working out for you, and that’s totally normal! Being happy and finding friends go hand in hand – if you’re in a program you’re interested in and passionate about, you may feel more inclined to socialize and reach out to your classmates to make friends. You have the power to make your time at UB better, both socially and academically – use it to get the best out of your experience!
I got my roommate assignment for this year and I’m nervous. She seems really extroverted, social, and popular, while I’m more quiet, nerdy, and introverted. I’m scared the room won’t be a safe space and I’ll feel uncomfortable the whole time. Should I bring it up or let it go?
This is something that I hear about a lot. Roommate assignment is a daunting process – you’re supposed to just get along perfectly and live with a total stranger? That’s crazy! Different personalities and needs get paired together often, and you’re not alone in having these concerns! It’s important to remember that, even though you have a roommate, your space is your space, not just hers! You have a right to feel safe and comfortable, just like she does. You should absolutely bring this up with your roommate and set some boundaries together – the earlier the conversation, the better!
Your dorm is a place to recharge – your version of recharging sounds like having a quiet space, while her version is socializing with others. It’s important that you verbalize what you need for your well-being and to thrive in college, and it’s important to allow your roommate to explain what she needs for her well-being. Your roommate won’t know how to make you feel comfortable unless you let her know, and vice versa. Plus, you may find that you have more common ground than you think!
Some recommendations: you could consider scheduling quiet hours in your dorm room – maybe after 9pm, only you and/or your roommate can be in the dorm. This allows both of you to have some space and quiet time to wind down or study for the night. If either of you want to socialize after quiet hours, you could agree to do so in another place than the dorm. Communication is key, so if either of you want to have friends over in your dorm, you should let the other know in advance. Walking into your dorm and seeing total strangers there can be overwhelming and shocking. When someone else is in your dorm, it may be a good idea to set a boundary that they can’t interact with your things or sit on your bed. That way, your space is your space, and her space is her space, and you’re respecting each other’s privacy.
Finally, I highly suggest speaking to your RA/CA (if you have one) about this situation. They likely have experience living in the dorms and being paired with random roommates, and will be able to provide you with some tips and insight that I can’t think of. Plus, they are an advocate for you! If you want someone else present to mediate your conversation with your roommate, they would be able to help in finding compromise and setting boundaries. If you’re having issues with your roommate disrespecting your boundaries, you can reach out to your RA/CA for assistance as well. If things are going really poorly, you can always request a new roommate/move dorms as a last resort. Regardless of how you choose to do it, definitely speak to your roommate and highlight your expectations and needs for your dorm. It’s your space too, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect!