Real Talk: Painful Breakups and Brutal Job Searches

Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s advice column with UB alumna Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.

How to deal with the end of a relationship of four years? I thought he was my forever person and I’m devastated. I’m scared I’ll never find a partner as good as him. 

Four years in a relationship is a long time and a huge commitment, so I can’t imagine how much of a loss this feels like. I’m sure you both put in a lot of work into learning about each other and making the relationship the best it can be.  The end of a relationship is a massive adjustment; not just because you’re single, but because your partner took up a huge space in your life, and now that space is empty. 

The best thing I can recommend is allowing yourself to grieve. All too often, people try to squash their feelings and forget the relationship even existed as a response to the negative emotions of a breakup. Rebounding is not going to fix your feelings, trust me! In the long run, this type of behavior impairs our mental health, as we haven’t given ourselves the time to process. Ending a relationship is a big change, so it’s important that we allow ourselves to transition from the state of “in a relationship” to “single” in a way that works best for us. 

Of course, grieving and processing come in all shapes and sizes. It may be listening to sad music and bawling your eyes out, hanging out with friends or family, or even spending an entire weekend at home in bed doing absolutely nothing at all! What matters is that you dedicate some time to understand what you’re feeling about the breakup, and why you’re feeling it. Some things to think about: what will you miss about the relationship? What did you gain from it, and what did you lose? How do you feel you became a stronger or better person? 

I think that a lot of us feel scared about being unable to find a partner as good as the one things ended with. It’s completely valid! Your world is turned upside-down when your person isn’t your person anymore. Right now, I wouldn’t focus on the fear of being unable to find someone as good as him. Focus on taking care of yourself, processing the change, and grieving for the loss of the relationship. You’ll know when the time is right and when you’re ready to look for someone else – it will click with you, I promise! 

There isn’t a “right” way to process the end of a relationship. Each relationship is so unique in itself, that it makes the loss just as unique. If you asked a hundred people how they would deal with it, you’d likely get a hundred different answers. I guarantee that everyone would agree that the process isn’t an easy one though – you are certainly not alone in feeling devastated and scared at the end of your relationship. Allow yourself grace and patience to get through this. I can promise that, from personal experience, you will get through it over time, however much time you need to take.  

I’ve been applying for jobs in my field for months and have had no luck. After wasting so many hours on hundreds of applications, my motivation is gone. I’m about to just give up and go back to my retail job. How to not get discouraged? 

You are certainly not alone in this situation! Job searching has become one of the most frustrating parts of adulting, especially with the introduction of AI in the application review process. It also feels like companies are getting better at ghosting than replying at this point. I commend you for all of the effort you’ve put into so many applications – that takes a ton of mental stamina! 

I want you to know that there is no shame in returning to retail. I worked a retail job while searching for a full-time position after graduation. I needed to pay the bills, and it was a guaranteed paycheck at the time. So, if that’s something you need to return to in order to survive, there is nothing wrong with that. It does not mean that you are doomed to the retail industry for the rest of your life (believe me, this was my biggest fear after graduating from college). 

I also spent months hunting for jobs in my field prior to graduation, and here are a few things I learned along the way: 

• First, human contact matters! It is incredibly rare to find an application that wants you to send your information directly to a human being. At this point, the interview isn’t the hard step – getting your application approved is! You typically have to go through a system that scans your resume for specific words and phrases. These types of systems rejected me a LOT, even though I was capable of meeting the requirements of the position. Try to find a Point of Contact for the job position, and reach out to them in some way. Ask them a question about the job, see how the skills you have may be transferrable to the position, or just get your name out there. That way, when you do apply for the job, your name will be recognizable. If you’re still getting rejected by the system automatically, ask that Point of Contact for feedback on how to make your application better. It’s a little awkward, but you can gain some good insight, or even get to the next step because you questioned the system’s decision to reject you. 
• Second, hype yourself up constantly. I completely understand the discouragement that comes from this process. Personally, I’d never been rejected from a job before (because it was mostly retail), and so it felt awful to get a rejection from a job in my field. When it keeps happening, you can’t help but feel worse and less capable. This may be cruel and unusual self-inflicted punishment, but the way that I mitigated this was by getting excited for each position I applied for. I did my best to act really interested in each requirement, telling myself “I can do that!” along the way. I did this for almost every application, and if I got rejected, I took a “their loss” perspective about the position. Yes, it probably sounds crazy, but it really did keep me sane during the job search. Filling out hundreds of applications becomes monotonous very quickly, so doing your best to keep the energy up is so important.
• Third, try not to get desperate. As time passes and you haven’t secured a job, it becomes very easy to start applying for anything you can find. But consider this: how’s it going to turn out if you actually get accepted for the position, and you’re bored and/or underpaid the entire time? You really want to choose quality over quantity in the jobs you’re applying for to ensure the best work experience for your future self. 

Of course, these things are all easier said than done, but they are what got me through the job search! I spent about three months hunting before I was hired full-time in my field. Again, there’s nothing wrong with using your retail job for money until you find something in your industry!  I hope these tips help, and I wish you the best of luck!