Words and Thoughts — May 16, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! Do any of you happen to know the notes to “Mr. Brightside”? For this entire week I’ve been walking into work, sitting down at my desk, and attempting to play “Mr. Brightside” on the heavy-duty rubber bands in the office supply cabinet until I leave for the day. The only break I allow myself is heading to the breakroom vending machine. The one with the big door that opens in the front. Of all the vending machine options, I’m partial to the Carleen brand turkey sandwiches that come in the easy-to-open sandwich bags. These sandwiches are great, it’s like they’re homemade. I swear it’s like they are straight from someone’s kitchen.

I work with a Carleen. I wonder if she knows about this sandwich company.

Do you know about these sandwiches? Actually, wait, don’t answer that. Answer the “Mr. Brightside” question first. Then the sandwiches. And after that, if you want, you can answer the following: Do you know Carleen? And if you DO know Carleen, do you know if she knows about Carleen brand sandwiches?

Maybe Carleen knows the notes to “Mr. Brightside.” Wouldn’t that be wild, if Carleen knew the notes to “Mr. Brightside,” but DIDN’T know about the sandwiches? Hold on though! What if Carleen knows YOU, doesn’t know about the sandwiches, but does know the notes to Mr. Brightside, but not specifically for the heavy-duty rubber band?

We should probably get to the bottom of this. I’ll fax her the following questionnaire:

Carleen, what do you know about the following subjects?

• Mr. Brightside
• Transposition of music for a heavy-duty rubber band tuned to medium pull
• Carleen Brand Sandwiches
• The Alleged Readers (that’s you!)
• The potentially asymmetric nature of Spain’s claims to the Territory of British Gibraltar, while remaining unwilling to yield to Morocco’s claims to the Territories of Spanish Ceuta and Melilla

I always throw that last one in there about Gibraltar any time I talk to anyone to serve as a litmus test as to whether or not I should then bring up Argentina at any point later on with that particular individual. So far around the office I’ve got five people I can talk about Argentina with, and three I can’t. I don’t have a read on Carleen yet though. This could be my chance.

Realistically though, if we can’t talk about Argentina, what can we talk about? Not the musical Evita, that’s for damn sure.

I don’t like to rile anyone up with geopolitical meanderings, however. It’s honestly one of my least favorite things to do. In fact, if you asked me, “Stav, do you like to avoid riling anyone up with geopolitical meanderings?”, I’d respond, without hesitation, “Did Diego Maradona like cocaine?”.

The answer here, to both questions, is of course, “Yes.”

Alas, perhaps the universe is permitted to keep the answer to some questions a mystery. Perhaps the universe is, in fact, required to keep the answer to some questions a mystery. Perhaps the sole raison d’être of the universe is to guard unanswered questions on a cosmic scale, and therefore itself become the greatest single, unanswered, question.

Probably best not to ask the universe too many questions. Aside from perhaps whether or not it knows the notes to “Mr. Brightside” for a heavy-duty rubber band. That’s what I’d ask the universe. That, and for its thoughts on Gibraltar.