Real Talk: First Relationships and Feeling Aimless
Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s latest advice column with senior psychology and sociology major Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.
I just entered my first relationship and I feel like I’m losing my identity to my boyfriend. I’m scared I’ve become completely dependent on him for my happiness, like I don’t even enjoy my hobbies anymore if he’s not around. I don’t want this feeling to continue but I don’t know what to do.
First relationships are a lot to navigate, and finding your own identity when sharing a part of your life with someone else is challenging. I admire your acute self-awareness on your own feelings about this – I know many people who don’t realize until they’ve sacrificed a lot of themselves for a relationship, and it’s difficult to reset yourself afterwards. This sounds like something deeper than being in the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, where you spend an ample amount of time with your partner as you get to know them in a romantic context, especially since you’re feeling uncomfortable with the situation.
It’s important to reflect on why you feel dependent on your boyfriend for your happiness. What does he contribute to your hobbies that make them unenjoyable when you’re alone? Is your boyfriend potentially filling an emotional or social gap that you’re feeling internally? Sometimes, if we’re feeling lonely or isolated, having a partner can drastically change our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us, meaning that typical hobbies or activities become dull or feel like work.
On the other hand, you should also reflect on how your boyfriend is treating you and the relationship. If he’s needy or demanding, you may have transitioned into placing your identity in him to make sure that he’s happy, even though you’re not. Are you maintaining the ties you had with friends and family prior to the relationship, or have they become strained or distant? It’s important to keep these connections, as it allows you to stay grounded in yourself and your identity.
If reflecting on these ideas is difficult for you, it may be a good idea to discuss this with someone you trust (if you haven’t already), or a professional. As I said, this situation isn’t uncommon in first relationships, but it isn’t healthy either. If the feelings you’re having don’t improve, you may want to distance from your boyfriend and break off the relationship. While having a boyfriend can be a positive experience in many ways, you should never sacrifice core parts of yourself for him.
I feel lost and aimless in college. It feels like I’m just sleepwalking through life and going through the motions without really feeling anything. I don’t care about my classes, and I have no idea what to do with my life when I get out of here. I guess I’m stuck in a funk, and I’m scared I’ll never get out of it.
From personal experience, this sounds like textbook college burnout. We spend so much time and energy focused on classes and homework, that we don’t always realize how exhausting it is. Even if you’re eating right, working out, and getting good sleep, it doesn’t mean that the “sleepwalking” feeling automatically goes away. I think that the feeling of not knowing what to do after college stems from college being so all-consuming – it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
Personally, this is something that I’ve been working through, especially in this (last) semester of college. I’ve found that breaking my routine, even in small, subtle ways, plays a huge role in lessening the “sleepwalking” vibe. Try studying in a different library than usual or walking to class a different route, for example. I baked pumpkin bread today for the first time after hours of homework and felt sane again! Even if it’s only for a few minutes, breaking your routine in unique ways is essential – that sleepwalking feeling comes from repetition. We need to make sure our brains are stimulated and forming connections in new ways to avoid this.
If you have the time in your schedule, it may be helpful to take some electives that align with your hobbies, like drawing or music, or join clubs to learn new information and meet new friends. Human beings are, overall, unpredictable, so surrounding yourself with new people can help you feel more grounded as well.
From my last four years in school, I genuinely think that college is the main cause (or at least a large contributor) to what you’re feeling. College is an incredibly busy and chaotic time, and that can take a toll on our health in all aspects. To cope, sometimes it’s easier to enter autopilot and go through the motions. However, it’s important that we feel connection and value in each day, even if it’s in little ways. With the tips I offered, try your best to continue pushing through the semester, and reflect on how to make the next one better. Do some reflection on what passions you have and conduct research on some career prospects that will help you feel motivated and excited to finish out your degree. You got this – it’s possible to get out of this funk. Sometimes it just requires a little change.
