Words and Thoughts — March 21, 2024
Hello again, alleged readers. HR is on my tail again. Like standing right on it this time. I’m certain that every one of you is thinking, “Stav, we tried to tell you, the office thermostat controls are not ‘free to take home'”. However, far be it from me to rub anything in your alleged faces, but that’s not what’s got HR throwing the big words like ‘gross’ and ‘misconduct’ around this time.
This week at work, I made a basketball bracket. I faxed invitations, along with some chocolate, to almost all of my coworkers to join my bracket pool. The response rate was pretty low if I’m being honest with all of you, which I always am. I even invited the tech guy who was in to work on the fax machines. He was preoccupied though, talking to my manager’s manager about looking for someone with chocolate. Too bad I had already faxed all of my chocolate, otherwise I would’ve given him some.
Anyway, out of nowhere, my co-worker Derek starts talking to people about HIS bracket pool. If there’s one thing your ol’ buddy Stav isn’t a fan of, other than that one scene in Ferris Bueller where Ferris kisses Sloan, while Ferris is pretending to be Sloan’s dad, and they totally blow their cover in front of Rooney, it’s copycats. Most other cats are usually fine. But here comes copycat-Derek with his pool, and collecting money no less for people to join. Mine was free! I was livid.
I called HR on the spot, and said, “HR Lady, I’m putting in my two weeks’ notice right now. For the next two weeks, be on notice, that I’m super mad at Derek, please.” At which point she claimed that that’s not how that works, or even what that is. Left with no other recourse, I immediately threw my mug at Derek. Before you jump to conclusions, the mug was empty. I had already dumped my coffee that got cold before I could drink it back into the breakroom coffee pot. And it didn’t even hit Derek. It hit Julie. Julie was unwilling to throw the pieces of mug at Derek for me. HR Lady, who was still on the phone, sent a few HR people up pretty quick.
At this point it occurred to me that I had forgotten to fax HR earlier. What a faux pas! So, I thought maybe they were coming up because they heard about my basketball pool from my interaction with Derek and Julie just then, and they wanted to join my pool. Oddly enough, they did not. Probably because I didn’t have any chocolate for them. They, like me, were mad. Probably because they didn’t have any chocolate.
Always quick on my feet, and somewhat of an expert situation diffuser, I suggested they ask the fax machine guy for chocolate, because he now had a bunch smeared on his hands.
He apparently didn’t have enough to share, so I astutely observed to everyone present, “Well this sure is a frustrating morning, isn’t it?”
On account of everyone’s general frustration with the fax guy, I’m working from home for the rest of the week; which is fine, because the climate control in the office has been all over the place lately.
