Real Talk: Honeymoon Phases, Homebody Struggles, and Social Media Addictions

Welcome to Real Talk, Subject’s latest advice column with senior psychology and sociology major Savannah Johnson. Each month, Savannah dives into your burning questions about anything and all, judgment-free and with love. Email your questions to editor@subjectmedia.org or DM us on Reddit @subjectmediadotorg to be featured in our next column.

I recently started dating a new guy and my friends have accused me of “ditching” them for him. It’s true I’ve been hanging out with him a lot, but I still see them too, even if less than usual. Is it wrong to want to spend more time with your boyfriend?

New romantic relationships, while exciting, can change the dynamic of your friendships. It’s not always bad – it’s quite normal. You’re making time for a new person in your life, so it makes sense that the balance between your partner and your friends is going to change. When my boyfriend and I started dating, we spent a ton of time together in the beginning. You want to learn as much as you can about your partner, and when your relationship is in a new stage, it’s even more intriguing! So, no, it’s not wrong to want to spend more time with your boyfriend, but I’ll offer a couple of considerations on how and who you spend your time with. 

First, you want to make sure that you’re not isolating yourself from others by spending all of your free time with your boyfriend. As I said, it’s normal to spend a lot of time with your partner, but you want to make sure that you’re not cutting yourself off from everything else around you. This can happen consciously or subconsciously (I’ve done it myself in the past), and can cause your friends to feel “ditched,” or you can fall behind in school or self-care. I’m not saying you’re isolating yourself right now, but this is something to keep in the back of your mind as you continue in this relationship. Spending time with your boyfriend should not create stress in other areas of your life at the same time. If you feel socially fulfilled (you’re spending a comfortable amount of time with your friends) and academically content (you aren’t skipping assignments, falling behind, or skipping class to hang out with him), you’re likely not isolating yourself. 

Second, you also don’t want to feel pressured to spend time with either your friends or your boyfriend. Whatever time you spend with anyone should be authentically fun, not out of guilt for feeling like you aren’t “hanging out” enough. If you’re feeling this pressure, it’s absolutely okay to dial it back. Your friends and/or boyfriend should be understanding that you need to take some time to yourself. In this, I think it’s important that you have a conversation with your friends about why they’re feeling “ditched,” and explain how you’re perceiving the situation. It sounds like you’re learning to balance a lot of social domains in your life at once, and that takes time to figure out! 

Again, spending a lot of time with someone new in your life is completely normal… and exciting! My biggest focus would be on making sure that you’re taking care of yourself to ensure that you’re having a healthy social relationship with both your boyfriend, and your friends. 

My roommate seems to never leave our dorm and it’s driving me crazy. I can never have a moment to myself, which is putting a strain on my mental health. Is it okay to ask her to leave occasionally?

As an only child, I completely understand where it would be overwhelming to share a space with someone… and such a small one too! Dorms can never be big enough! 

Both of you have a right to an enjoyable and relaxing experience in your shared dorm room. If that means some time alone there for you, I think it’s completely acceptable to ask for some privacy. I think it’s important to explain how it’s impacting you, and how some alone time in the dorm would be beneficial for you. It doesn’t sound like it’s her fault for your stress per se; it’s the lack of alone time that a shared dorm doesn’t typically allow for. I think it would be important to make sure that she understands that – you’re someone who needs alone time every once in a while, and that it helps your mental health. 

Having a tangible solution sounds helpful in this situation. Perhaps you both could sit down and create a schedule, where you each have slots of alone time in the space? I know that the dorms host plenty of seating areas and study lounges, so one roommate could spend a couple hours in a lounge while the other has some down time in the dorm. And you never know, your roommate could feel similar to you, so the alone time could benefit her as well. 

Finally, I would recommend (if you haven’t already) spending some time with your roommate outside of the dorm room. Maybe go to dinner together, or to a study lounge to do some homework – spending time in larger, public spaces may allow you two to bond and learn about each other. This may allow you both to understand each other’s needs for mental health and self-care, and you can develop a general routine for dorming together that will make it the best experience possible.

I think I’m addicted to social media. I can’t stop obsessing over my Instagram especially. Every time I delete the app, I just end up redownloading it again shortly after. How can I let this go?

As someone with a social media addiction (to Instagram specifically as well – thank God I never downloaded TikTok!), I completely understand what you’re going through. I used to doom scroll like a fiend, to a point where it would aggravate me… but I couldn’t stop. It gets to a point where it’s not even entertaining more, in my opinion – it just becomes something that blurs the line between want and necessity. 

I too found that deleting the app was useless – as you said, what’s the point if you just download it again? Plus, cold-turkeying Instagram stressed me out. I found that I couldn’t focus and was weirdly exasperated all day. For me, I had to take a more gradual and intense approach, and I’ll suggest these steps for you as well. 

First, try setting a time limit for Instagram. This is possible on Android phones, and I believe it’s available on Apple phones as well. Originally, I set mine to an hour, then cut it down to 30 minutes, then 15 minutes. This has worked for some people I know to kick the Instagram addiction, but if you’re conniving like me, you’ll just keep resetting/increasing the timer during the day and going back to doom scrolling. 

When setting a time limit didn’t work, I did something that felt extreme at the time: I opened my Instagram settings, gave my boyfriend my phone, and said “pick a password.” He reset the password to something I didn’t know, so I literally couldn’t access my Instagram account without him. I left the app available on my phone and found myself opening up the app multiple times a day – just to be reminded that I couldn’t log in on my own. This was the most effective method for me – I spent over a month completely without Instagram, and slowly, I stopped opening the app at all. Since I had no control over my Instagram access, I couldn’t be aggravated or stressed out about my screen time. I had no agency, and this became relieving. Similar methodologies are applied in rehabilitation centers – patients are able to detox and get clean because they literally can’t get access to the thing they’re addicted to. It’s completely out of their control. 

Of course, it’s difficult (especially in the beginning) to get away from social media. For me, I found the results were worth it – I was able to focus for longer periods of time, I was happier, and I was more aware of my surroundings and felt in the present. It’s crazy what you can do when your dopamine receptors aren’t fried from social media! Between setting a time limit or giving away your account access, I’m sure that you’ll find the same liberation from social media addiction that I did, and I wish you the best with your journey! 

Also, pro tip: find something else to do with your hands than holding your phone! This helped me a lot – I started doing adult coloring books while watching shows and movies and didn’t check my phone once because my hands were preoccupied. Our brains will remember the feeling of holding our phones and scrolling, which can lead to a strong desire to pick up your phone. The same idea applies to cigarettes – many smokers struggle to kick the habit because of the motor memory of holding the cigarette in their hands or in their mouth and blowing out the smoke. Substituting your phone with some other handheld activity will make a huge difference!