Mr. & Mrs. Smith S1E5: Do You Want Kids?

We dive right into this week’s mission, as the Smiths kidnap a man named Toby (Ron Perlman) from his seaside Italian villa. He’s none too happy about it, as you’d expect, and even after it’s clear the Smiths have thrown them in the back of their care to save him from people who want him dead, he’s still pretty grumpy about it.

Every episode title has been about a different relationship milestone, and without hitting the audience over the head with it, this one’s about how Jane and John would do as parents, with a gigantic 73-year-old man as their baby. Toby is cranky, needy, stubborn, and slows them down; At various points in their adventures he throws up, cries, wets himself, interrupts them having sex, and has a tummy ache. 

The show doesn’t throw a spotlight on these things, so the metaphor isn’t loud enough to be clumsy, but it also isn’t subtle enough to be subtext. It still works as well as it does, simply because Perlman is so good at playing a just-barely-likable grump — as he did in his terrific turn on Poker Face last year.

The relationship stuff also works because, at least in the first two acts, it’s completely secondary to the action, and there is a lot of action. They get Toby to the safehouse, but it isn’t safe. Black-clad men shoot at them, and we get a car chase through winding mountain roads, through small towns, through an outdoor wedding, all with constant gunfire, as John and Jane casually call each other “babe” as if they’re like contestants on The Amazing Race.

As always, it’s not clear why they’re doing any of this. Perlman alludes to having done horrible things in the past that he’s haunted by, but neither the Smiths nor the audience get much detail on their missions. That works to keep their relationship at the core of the show, but if you’re hoping to be invested in the action, this might not be the show for you. It’s expertly staged, and exciting, but it only serves as a framework to put the characters under pressure.

Except this week it’s not the car chases and machine gun fire that put pressure on the Smiths. As usual, it’s each other.

As they flee from a seemingly endless stream of henchmen, John leads them to a second safehouse, which he surprises Jane by announcing that he bought for them. Jane’s upset that he bought it sight unseen without consulting her. He saw it as a grand romantic gesture; she’s annoyed.

When Jane and John first slept together at the end of episode 2, we worried that we were sprinting past the terrific romantic tension Donald Glover and Maya Erskine had in the first episode and a half, and we’re still sprinting. We’ve already gone past dating, past the early stages of marriage, and five episodes in, we’re firmly in the submarine stage of marriage. That’s where you’re in too deep to change your dynamic, and both partners are frustrated that even the smallest decision requires both of them turning the missile keys.

Jane’s not upset John bought the house for financial reasons — we established in the last episode that they make a lot of money on these missions. She’s upset that he turned the key on something big without her. Nearly everything in her life is now dictated by their mysterious employer, including who she’s married to. She just wants a little bit of control in her life.

Last week, more experienced spy Parker Posey suggested to Jane that she should trust “the company,” and that they’d be there for her. And this week, as if their mysterious handler can read her mind, her mission brief is followed up with an unexpected text: “are you happy?”

Jane is caught off guard, but says she is. The response suggests Jane could advance within the mysterious company. Suddenly, Jane has both a confidant, and the possibility of being promoted to more dangerous missions, something she’s hinted at wanting in the past, whereas John feels like their lives are a bit too dangerous as it is.

And then we get to the crux of the episode. Do you want kids?

John does. He’d be happy to settle down and do less lucrative but safer courier missions for the company. Jane doesn’t. She wants more money, more danger, more approval from the company, and a baby doesn’t fit into that. It’s the kind of fundamental disagreement that breaks many a marriage. Except those other marriages aren’t arranged by a murderous organization that doesn’t accept a letter of resignation and whose layoff notices come in the form of a bullet.

We don’t get any resolution, exactly, just a few late reveals that push a slightly larger wedge between Jane and John. We’ve flown past flirtation, dating, the honeymoon phase, and the submarine phase. Now we’re in the do-or-die phase. Literally and figuratively.

Stray bullets:
• The Smiths mention a lot of exotic locales in passing, which suggests they’ve done a bunch of missions we haven’t seen in between episodes. And it’s a shame we didn’t get to see those places. Like the Bond films, the show understands that sometimes the travelogue is just as appealing as the action, as we get some stunning Italian location shots throughout the episode.

• The first, unsafe safehouse may have been the same one where the faux-Brangelina Smiths made their last stand in the cold open to the first episode, but then again, maybe all safehouses just look alike.

• It’s mentioned again that John is breaking protocol to call his mom regularly. We assume that’s leading to something down the line.

• Whoever the baddies are this week, they have a remarkably endless supply of henchmen.