Words and Thoughts — January 25, 2024

Hello again, alleged readers! Last week, right around this time, right now, but a week ago, roughly, I was complaining to all of you fine folks, allegedly, about the recent rejection I faced from The Sorbonne. Well, it turns out it may not have completely been The Sorbonne’s fault, and I may have mixed a few things up. Also, I should note, that I am not writing this to all of you at the behest of the fine lawyers over at The Sorbonne (or “avocats” as they are called in France — Thanks, Muzzy Tapes!), rather this is just Stav clearing up a few miscommunications.

As you know, ol’ Stav hates three things above all else in this world: multi-level-marketing schemes, trash cans with lids, and miscommunications.  The Bermuda Triangle is a very close fourth.

Last week when I was compiling my outgoing mail, I may have put a few correspondences into the wrong envelopes.  Frankly it’s a small miracle that last week’s correspondence made it to all of you at all!  As far as I can tell, here’s what went where (so if you were any of the intended recipients of any of the following regular correspondences, now you will know where to go to receive said correspondences):

• It looks like my hand-scrawled shopping list for my mother was sent to the Iranian Consulate in Shanghai. They get other things from me, however not usually my shopping list. Needless to say, my mother did NOT purchase the Fruit Rollups I intended to ask for. Unfortunately, neither did the Iranians.
• You all appear to have gotten last week’s correspondence, which is good, however it also went to the Denny’s corporate offices. Normally Denny’s gets a weekly report on how many sugar packets I was able to sneak out of their restaurants the prior week.
• The Denny’s sugar report ended up going to the admin of the website where I submit my Charmin Bear erotic fiction.
• Finally, this brings us to The Sorbonne. Unfortunately, I sent The Sorbonne my most recent Charmin Bear erotica.  While still quality work, obviously it’s not what I usually send to The Sorbonne. To be clear, I’m not into the Charmin Bears in that way, however it’s just incredibly simple stuff to write.  The intended audience has an extremely limited number of very specific boxes to check, and frankly, it’s not that hard to check those boxes. Two large bears obliterate a bathroom, and then they obliterate a bathroom, differently. This latest submission did set a new personal record for most uses of the word “explosive” though, so there’s that. Additionally, the message board on the website almost always includes some shockingly thorough feedback on my writing. If you block out the more wildly disturbing portions of the comments, there’s some really solid stylistic critiques to be had!

As such:

• Mom, for the shopping list, please contact the Iranians in Shanghai, or just get the usual Fruit Rollups, please.
• If you weren’t able to read last week’s correspondence here, call Denny’s and ask them to read it to you.
• Denny’s, for the sugar report, please just Google “Charmin Bear Erotic Fiction by Kirk Turfington” (obviously I don’t use my real name for the Charmin Bear stuff).  You should be able to get to the right website.
• And for my latest Charmin Bear submission, please contact The Sorbonne, and ask them for “Charmin Bears in the Guest Bathroom, Chapter 14, Three-Ply Threesome.”

Glad that’s all cleared up. Anyways, it’s about to be Girl Scout Cookie season. This will be the year I don’t get my head stuck in one of the cookie boxes, I just know it!