Words and Thoughts — November 30, 2023

Hello again, alleged readers! Packed agenda today, so let’s get up to business.

Item 1: I would now like the “a” in “Stav” to be capitalized when my name is spoken verbally, so as to be “StAv”. No changes in inflection or accenting please, just perhaps visualize a capital “A” when you say my name. With this slight modification, any Atlanta Braves or Alabama Crimson Tide hat is now also a Stav hat. Roll Tide? How about Roll Stav! The written form of my name, however, is to remain unchanged. I have too many Winn-Dixie frequent shopper rewards cards that I’d have to update if we went down that route.

Item 2: A tater tot is not a French fry. End of story. A French fry is probably not a tater tot. End of story?

Item 3: On the subject of potatoes, it has come to my attention that potatoes fall within the taxonomical family “Nightshade”. I’m sharing with you now an idea that I’d like your critical feedback on: A graphic novel about a mysterious superhero named “Nightshade” who exists in a reality exactly the same as our own, save for the fact that Nightshade, the superhero, also exists alongside us. Nightshade is a potato. No special abilities that a potato doesn’t already have. I want this to be a believable superhero, accessible to the discerning readers of the modern era.

Item 4: I’m so sick of people complaining about the poor driving abilities of senior citizens. I am of the belief that the issue is a simple matter of automotive technology not keeping up with accessibility innovation found in other sectors. For example, senior citizens have the option of buying large-print books to offset failing eyesight. Senior citizens can find large-key television remotes and telephones to offset diminished dexterity. Such simple, size-related innovations will keep seniors reading, channel changing, and calling about reverse mortgages for years to come! Yet the auto industry has not kept up, and it’s borderline criminal. As such, all senior citizens should be given monster trucks instead of Social Security.

Item 5: As we’re talking about all of this, I’m realizing that I think I’ve lost several of my Winn-Dixie rewards cards. Although, I don’t recall losing them. I must’ve been robbed. Sounds like a job for Nightshade if you ask me. As long as Nightshade’s on the case, I’m not going to worry about it.

Item 6: Big ophthalmology doesn’t want you to know that if you’d just smear an inch or two of eye-black around your eyes, you’d likely completely eliminate the need for sunglasses. If we could only just normalize looking like 2007-era Gerard Way.

Item 7: Please don’t steal the Nightshade concept. It’s not like I’m just sitting here writing to all of you fine folks and while I’m writing see an image of a potato on social media and then say, “oh that’ll fill some space here”. Not like that at all, there’s so much more to it, for example I needed to learn how to spell “taxonomical”, and something like that can take years!

Item 8: Motion to adjourn.

And that, alleged readers, is the exact script I used with every customer when I was a greeter at Canadian Tire that one day.