Hello again, alleged readers! Woooo! Y’all ever eat a bag of coffee? I have, and I did, about an hour ago. Let me tell you I have seen the light. Frankly, I continue to see the light. The light seeing is ongoing and then some! I’m just over here taking the Dunkin’ Donuts Medium Roast express bus running on unleaded caffeine nonstop to Enlightenment City.
Never again will I “drink” coffee, I tell you what. Crunchy beans straight to the face, direct out of the bag only for Ol’ Stav from here on out. Can of corn at dinner? Nope, coffee beans; The Jolly Green Giant’s got nothing on the Coffee Colossus. Cereal in the morning? Hell no, coffee beans and milk; Captain Crunch is about to find himself on the wrong side of Colonel Coffee’s armada. Baby food for your toddler? I should say not, blended coffee beans; The Gerber Baby can’t hold a candle to The Coffee Kid!
Who the hell has been gatekeeping coffee beans from me, and by extensions you all; and why??
Hello again, alleged readers. I started writing this week’s correspondence a few days ago, however I’ve taken a few days off between then and now. It seems I’m still adjusting to the time change from Iceland, as well as managing my disappointment that I didn’t get to go to Ohio. In my jet-lagged malaise, I mistook a pound and a half of Bush’s Black Beans for what I believed were Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee beans. What I thought was a caffeine rush was actually a 48-hour string of hallucinations brought on by such severe black bean initiated gastrointestinal distress that two doctors and a veterinarian have relayed to me that it is a small miracle that my stomach, duodenum, and jejunum managed to maintain their correct order.
Now on the road to recovery, in retrospect, while not having reached the state of enlightenment I thought I was experiencing a few days ago, I have learned a few things that I’d be remiss not to share with all of you fine individuals:
1) No matter how tired you are, always make sure that if you are intending to consume coffee, that it is not in fact black beans.
2) It is not good to consume a pound and a half of raw black beans in thirty seconds.
3) It is probably not good to consume a pound and a half of raw coffee beans in thirty seconds. However, I can’t confirm this from experience like I can with the black beans.
4) Babies, even if they are the Gerber Baby, shouldn’t be holding candles up to other babies. I don’t have empirical proof of this, but in the latter stages of the hallucinations, I was privy to an imagined candle fight between The Gerber Baby and The Coffee Kid, who was really just The Bean Kid, and just yeah, no candles until the children are at least three years old, please.
Also, how do TVs work?