Real Talk: Lousy Friends, Academic Regrets, and Toxic Venting

I think my friends see me as a burden. They exclude me often, and when I am included, they barely
acknowledge me. It makes me feel horrible, but I have no other friends and I’m not sure what to do.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re being treated this way. It’s important to remember that you’re more valuable than your friendships, especially when you’re being mistreated by them. In my opinion, breaking away from the friends you have is a healthier option for you than sticking with them. Surrounding yourself with people that view you as a burden can have a detrimental effect on your self-esteem and sense of worth, as well as your perspective of what a healthy friendship should look like.

You may find that, once you break away from this group, it may take some time to build up social confidence to put yourself out there to make new friends. It can be intimidating, especially when you’ve had negative experiences in the past. However, it’s important to prioritize yourself and your well-being, and it may be positive for you to go without these friends for a period of time. You can reset yourself and reflect on how you want to be treated by others in the future, and how you want to treat those around you. People will naturally want to include you when you exhibit social confidence, and if you have a positive mindset and a desire to connect to others, making new friends will come much more easily than you’d think.

If you choose to break away from these friends, it won’t be an easy transition in the beginning, but I promise that it will have positive effects in the long run. You’re advocating for yourself and how you want to be treated, and those are great steps in generating confidence in yourself, and expectations in what you want in others. You don’t deserve to be treated or viewed as a burden by those who are supposed to be close to you, and I think that it would be in your best interest to step away, reflect on those experiences, and move forward to healthier friendships and connections!

I’m thinking of changing my major next semester as a junior. I have come to deeply hate my major and can’t see myself working in the field without being severely depressed. I’ve been told to just push through, and things will get better after I graduate, but I just can’t see this happening. I’m just worried I’ll regret it if I start all over again.

Changing majors happens much more commonly to students than you might imagine (me included!). College is a time to figure out who you want to be, and what you want to do. It’s a point in your life focused on transition, so that you can find stability in a future career. That being said, it’s completely normal to want to change your major, no matter how far you are into your degree. As a junior, you can have up to two full years left before graduation. A lot of students don’t even realize what working in their field would be like until they graduate, so if you’re realizing now that you don’t want to work in your current major’s field, it’s a great time to make the change.

As for others telling you to just “push through,” graduating from college with a degree you don’t enjoy can have long-lasting effects on your perspective of future career opportunities and how happy you are in your profession. Plus, you’re the student here, and it’s your future you’re thinking about. While others may struggle to understand the major change, it’s important to follow your instincts and set you up for the professional life you want to have.

When I changed majors from Computer Engineering to Psychology & Sociology as a second-semester sophomore, I was nervous about the feeling of starting all over again too. However, you’d be surprised (as I was) that a lot of my past major credits transferred smoothly into the new major. Typically, a lot of your past credits can be used as General Education courses, Pathways, or other electives for your new major. Plus, you’ll find that your knowledge and experience from your past major aren’t gone to waste. A lot of skills you’ve developed can be applicable to the new major, just in different contexts. In my experience, the computer skills that I developed have made me into a fast learner when it comes to technology, simply because I have a solid background in that type of information.

It’s challenging when the goals you had in the beginning of college change over time. There’s an expectation that the major you start with is the major you end with. But, like I said, college is a time of transition and learning about yourself and the path you want to take. Changing your major doesn’t mean you’re a quitter or noncommittal – it means that you’re aware of your goals and how to get there in the way that’s best for you. Those are great qualities to have! I’d recommend talking to your advisor and doing some research on what the rest of your college career would look like with a major change, so that you can have a strategic plan set in place for your future. And it is possible to graduate on time! It might be some extra work, but if your goal is to leave in four years, it’s definitely something that you can achieve. I wish you the best of luck with considering this transition, and the rest of your college career!

One of my best friends is going through a rough patch. I want to be a good friend, but she constantly texts and needs support to the point where it’s affecting my own mental health. I’ve tried to hint that she should get a therapist, but she hasn’t seemed to look into it. Would I be a horrible friend if I took step back?

Supporting a friend can become a strain when that’s purely what the friendship becomes — you supporting them. If it’s affecting your own mental health, it’s okay to step away and give yourself some space. You need to support yourself too!

In the long run, your friend would want you to take care of yourself, even if she may not realize it in the moment. I’d recommend having a conversation with her, and communicating how her behavior has been impacting you. The conversation may be difficult and a little awkward, but I think you both will find better closure about the situation rather than just ghosting her. It also sounds like your friend isn’t in a position where she wants to find a solution to help her get through this rough patch, and that can be draining on you as well. While it’s important to listen, hearing the same things repeatedly without
resolve is exhausting for you.

If you choose to have this conversation, it’s important that you do two things: 1) avoid accusatory language, and 2) make it clear that you’re not abandoning her. Do your best to be empathetic: using phrases like “I feel” or “I think” to describe your side of the situation. Using phrases such as “You made me feel like” can come across as blame, even if it may not be your goal, and can turn the conversation into an argument. Emphasize that you understand that she’s going through a rough patch and explain that you are setting boundaries for your own well-being. It’s super important that you advocate for yourself in this situation and continue to stand up for your boundaries, even if it may become a difficult and emotional conversation.

Something else to consider: your stepping back may encourage your friend to work on themselves and improve their perspective of the situation. It can be easy to dwell on your issues without any action, and sometimes distance like this can actually encourage someone to do something about what’s going on around them. Your friend may take some time to reflect on their own, and while you’re resetting, she may be too. The bottom line: you are not a horrible friend for taking a step back! Understanding your needs and setting boundaries is necessary when your well-being is at stake.