Real Talk: Advocating for Yourself and Comfort Zone Guilt

Advice on being a better advocate for yourself? I have trouble with things like saying no and being honest about my feelings. I am a non-confrontational people-pleaser and it’s gotten me into rather uncomfortable situations. Every time I try to be more firm, I end up feeling bad and reverting to my old ways. 

If you’ve read any of my past columns before, you’ll see that I support self-awareness as a great first step with things like this. When you’re in an emotional or social routine (like being non-confrontational and people-pleasing), it can be difficult to recognize that it’s happening. 

It sounds like you may be a strong empath – you’re very attuned to the feelings and thoughts of others, which makes you a highly perceptive person. While this is a great skill to have, as it allows you to have high social-emotional awareness, it can also make it a little too easy to put the feelings of others before your own well-being. I deal with this myself all the time, and it took me a lot of time to make this into a strength rather than an issue that could lead to uncomfortable situations, like you mentioned. 

Recognizing that you’re an empath and have a pattern of people-pleasing is a way to move forward and work on setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Perhaps rather than considering yourself being “firm,” try to think of it as setting a healthy boundary. Friends and family around you typically have your best interest at heart, and they’d rather know where your boundaries are rather than make you go through a situation that you’re not comfortable with. It will take some practice, but continue to set these boundaries for yourself, and reflect on the results. How do you feel about setting this boundary in the long-term, not just in the moment? We can all feel bad when telling someone “no,” but that doesn’t mean it will have a long-lasting negative impact. Plus, if you feel comfortable (but this isn’t required), you can tell people the reasoning behind saying no. It doesn’t have to be purely logical; you can use statements like “I feel this way…” or “I think that…” to provide an empathetic response to the other person. Providing reasoning can make you feel justified in your response, and it can provide clarity for the other person and reduce the likelihood of a negative reaction. You mentioned that you struggle with being honest to people about your feelings; this is another thing that will improve with practice! You may find that you’ll actually feel the weight lifting from your shoulders about the situation. 

Finally, the idea of “fake it till you make it” is applicable here too. It will feel uncomfortable when advocating for yourself at first but try your best to appear confident in your boundary setting until it becomes genuine. Having a confident mindset in these types of situations, in my experience, has really helped me in setting boundaries. It’s really difficult, and it makes perfect sense that you’re struggling with it! If you need, write down a response prior to setting the boundary, so you don’t feel like you’re “on the spot” when you’re having the conversation with someone. Over time, the confidence and the steps towards advocacy will come naturally to you, so don’t give up! Use your ability to empathize with yourself as well as with others and give yourself the time and reflection to grow and strengthen your self-advocacy. 

I’m struggling with my career plans. I have one mediocre job offer in my hometown and another higher paying offer ten hours away. I love being around my family and don’t want to leave, and truthfully, I’ve never been that ambitious career-wise (I don’t live for work and am happy with simply making a decent living). Is it really a mistake to stay in my comfort zone where I know I’ll be happy? 

This is something that I’ve been dealing with recently as well. As a rising senior at UB, my time to graduate and select a real job is coming up quickly. I’m sure you’re experiencing this feeling too – there are a lot of choices to make, and it can certainly be overwhelming, especially when you have influences around you like friends and family to consider as well. 

First, congratulations on both offers! No matter the decision you make, both offers reflect what a capable employee you can be. Both companies obviously saw something in you that’s desirable, and it’s good to have options available to you when considering job opportunities. 

I completely understand the idea of wanting to just make a decent living. I’ve come to value financial stability highly in the past year or so, and it’s led to me to change my values and priorities when considering future career paths. Not everyone has the same ideals when it comes to selecting a job! 

This sounds like a situation where you know what you want deep down, but you’re struggling with the influences around you. It’s important to consider yourself first in this situation: this is about where you’ll work, where you’ll live, and what you value. If your heart is in the hometown offer, and you want to stay, then stay! If you know you’ll be happy where you are, then continue to be happy there, especially if work is not your primary life focus/objective. Besides, you can find other ways to step outside of your comfort zone, perhaps through volunteering, traveling, or finding new hobbies! Finally, keep in mind that you have your whole life ahead of you. This decision doesn’t have to be a permanent one. If you find, in a few years, that you want to move outside of your hometown and pursue other things, those opportunities will be open to you – the other, higher-paying job offer is a testament to that! I say to follow your heart and make the best decision for you, regardless of what those around you are doing. It’s incredibly important that you are content with your job and your living atmosphere to maintain the best quality of life, and if that means going down a different path than your friends, that is completely okay. I wish you the best of luck with this decision, and your future career!