Real Talk: Housemate Troubles, Tough Choices and Relationship Strains

My roommate’s boyfriend is at our apartment all the time and it’s getting on my nerves. He uses all our stuff and makes me uncomfortable in my own space. I’m not sure how to bring it up, or even if I should say anything. Advice on how to handle the situation?

I’m going to be straight to the point – you have every right to bring this up! You’re the one that lives there, and you’re the one that’s paying rent and for that food and anything else the boyfriend uses or consumes. It sounds like this guy should start paying rent at this point! 

Your roommate’s boyfriend is not a resident there, but you are – your comfort in your own space is of the utmost importance here. I think it’s completely viable for you to have a conversation about this with your roommate. 

If you’re someone that struggles with these sorts of confrontations, I’d recommend taking some time to observe his behavior when he’s at your apartment and taking down some mental (or physical) notes about those observations. That way, you can provide your roommate with some examples of what’s making you uncomfortable. It’s also important to avoid using an accusatory tone in this conversation. Most likely, your roommate is completely oblivious to these behaviors and how they make you feel, so try your best to express your feelings clearly to them – why do you feel uncomfortable? How does this make you feel uncomfortable? This way, your roommate will be less likely to feel like they’re being attacked and need to be in defense mode. 

Finally, I’d recommend drawing up some potential solutions that would allow you and your roommate to feel comfortable. Maybe the boyfriend could come around less, or your roommate could let you know in advance when he’s coming over, so you can mentally prepare… things like that! When you have the conversation, it can feel productive and conclusive, and you’ll know that progress has been made. 

Your feelings are valid and you have a right to voice these concerns! As I said, it’s a high priority for you to feel safe in your own home, no matter the situation. I hope the conversation goes smoothly – it may be difficult in the moment, but it should bring you long-term relief. 

I’ve been offered two summer internships: one at a small nonprofit and one at a massive think-tank. The latter is much more prestigious, but I am much more passionate about the work the former does. I’m conflicted on which offer to accept. 

Congratulations on receiving both offers! It’s always a good feeling to know that these opportunities are available to you, especially when they’re so diverse, as in your situation. 

Internships, in my opinion, have been pushed on students in a way that makes us feel like we should prioritize reputation over our passions. As someone who will be entering the humanities field, I understand that it’s difficult to come by a position that is fulfilling in both the passionate and financial sense. However, it’s important to remember that internships are not full-time careers; rather, they’re an opportunity for you to explore and see what type of career you’d like to develop in the future. 

In that sense, my personal suggestion is to follow your passions and take the internship with the nonprofit company, especially if you know that it would be meaningful and impactful for you. You’ll find that you’ll be able to acquire skills that are applicable to all sorts of career paths, including those larger think-tank positions. Most employers look for this – it’s not about where you worked, but what you learned and how you can apply that new knowledge in a different position, regardless of the prestige of previous employers. 

The only decision-making factor that I can think of that would lead me to select the think-tank is if they were my life-long dream employer. If I felt that I wanted to continue into a full-time career with them, it would be a great idea to intern with them, get my foot in the door, and potentially be offered to stay on full-time. The transition would be a lot smoother. But again, if that isn’t your desire, follow your passions and select what will be the most meaningful to you in the long-term! Those skills will carry with you into future jobs at any type of position for sure. 

My boyfriend’s parents seem to dislike me and it’s really bothering me. I have no idea what I did, but they make me feel like I’m doing something wrong by existing in their presence. I want them to like me, as I can easily see us having a future together, but I’m not sure how at this point. 

I can relate to this on a personal level, and I can tell you that from my own experience and those of friends, you’re not alone in this situation. I find it mostly in families that are very close-knit. There’s such a different attitude and level of trust that develops towards a child’s partner in the eyes of the parents. In my situation, coming from a super dysfunctional family, entering my boyfriend’s happy and traditional family style was super daunting; plus, it felt like ages until his mom started to seem to like me. 

Honestly (and especially if this is still a new relationship), your boyfriend’s family may just be taking you in. You’re dating their son, after all. Mothers, in particular, can scrutinize the new partner when their son is involved. To be on the receiving end of all that familial adjustment is extremely nerve-wracking and uncomfortable, and it can make the relationship feel strained too. 

I found that bringing my feelings up with my boyfriend made a huge difference with this. I basically told him exactly how I was feeling, and how they made me feel, and asked if there was something I was missing or didn’t understand. Thankfully, he knew his family a lot better than I did, so he was able to explain more about their side of things. Plus, it’s very okay to ask him straight up: “Do your parents like me?” I found it was super relieving for him to respond yes or no, and then elaborate on how he knew. I’d recommend doing the same. No matter the response, it’s better that you have some understanding of how they think of you. It may be that they are simply taking a while to adjust. You’re more than a friend, and super important to him, and he’s super important to his family, so it’s a very complicated dynamic to experience. 

Finally, when you’re around his parents, don’t stop being yourself! It’s easy to become quiet or try to “code-switch” for them, because you want to avoid that coldness, but it does more harm for you (and him) than good. Remember that your boyfriend cares for you because of how you truly are, and don’t let his parents beat you down!